It’s February already, but do I even care? For me, life is just another day. Just another day that goes by. I miss writing. I think that I should write more…but to be honest, I have said it all a thousand times and more. There is nothing new that could prompt me to write an entry that would capture its importance. There is literally nothing going on in my life right now that I deem worthy of recording on this blog. However, the sad reality of things is that I truly do miss writing. I have been told countless times that it is a talent that I shouldn’t waste. The more time that goes by, and the less that I write, the more that talent goes away. I look back at some of these entries, even the private ones, and I’m shocked that its contents could come from someone like me. But nevertheless, they have.

I’m 24. I feel old. Yes, old. No insult to those who are much older than I, but I cannot hide these feelings. I do feel old. When I look in the mirror, I only see the same me that I have started into all of these years…but that number, 24. 24 years of age. Yes, many in this world would wish to be 24 again, and I am certain that when I reach a much older age I will wish to be 24 again. I will never be as young as I am in this moment. With every second that goes by, I become older…closer to death. And in all honesty, who is to say I won’t die tomorrow in a car accident? Who is to say a plane won’t crash through my roof while I sleep at night? Yes, perhaps the odds are with me on those sort of events, but they can still happen. I just wish that I could actually call this a “LIFE”, rather than just an existence. That’s all I am doing; existing. I am not living. But how can I live? How can I live in a place like this? In a situation such as this one? I feel trapped. I may have less financial responsibilities this year, but that is no excuse. I feel so worthless and pathetic, I might as well be a zombie. I still can’t find a real job, so I’ve been forced to volunteer somewhere and get a temporary job to add to my experience. Meanwhile, there are people younger than I who are traveling, studying abroad, already living on their own, making more money…and I just wish I could have the strength to kill myself. I really do. If I had such strength, I would have done it back in 2008.
I am told over and over not to compare my life to others, to pay attention to the pace of my own race, to make sure that I am at least staying the course…but what for? I’m still a loner. I still isolate myself. I don’t consider myself a part of society. I’m reading about Buddhism, doing yoga, looking up posts of enlightenment…anything that I can do to escape from this society, to not be a part of it. And why should I be a part of it? It’s rotten. Rotting down to the core of something putrid and repugnant. I want nothing to do with it. But at the same time, there are things that I want. Things that I wish I had.

I feel like every time that I write, it’s the same complaints over and over again, and they won’t stop. It won’t stop. Every week I try to change my life, but nothing seems to be changing. The only temporary happiness that I look forward to is summer. What am I even doing with my life? Do I even have a plan? The plan for the summer is to live life. Smoke weed, hike, go places, and I even plan to make a road trip to Los Angeles with two friends. But is that even logical? Is that even clever? Shouldn’t I already have a real job by now? That’s what society says. We are all depressed because of society. Society says we are to be educated, get a job, work nine to five, get married, have kids, retire, then die. All by certain ages. Isn’t it funny how everything must be done by a certain age? Graduate at 23, get a real job by 25, marry at 27, have kids at 30, work until you’re 55, retire by 56, then die by 75. Are you understanding? Do you see? And who is society? We are society. We have turned ourselves into zombies. We have made ourselves depressed. So next time you try to point a finger or two, start by pointing them at yourself, for following these “rules” and screwing yourself out of living life and doing what you really wanted to do because you were too busy listening to your parents, friends, co-workers, and the rest of society. That’s what I did, and now I’m fucked.
You are too busy comparing yourself to who makes the most money, who marries faster, who has the most kids, who has the better job, who travels the most, who has more sex, and who dies “with the most toys.” But remember, you take nothing to the grave with you. Just like you came with nothing into this world, you will leave with nothing. You will become nothing. So this summer, I plan on living life a little bit more than I have before. If I didn’t owe the department of education thousands of dollars from a failed educational investment, you better believe I would be living in a Buddhist monastery in California, because I am not interested in participating in the self destructive glob of rotting shit that is modern day society.

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