I wish I knew what to say. I think that I just want to outline the stuff that may or may not happen when I get back home from vacation.
There is no way that we could have any std positive result. Zero. There has to be zero chances of that happening. It can’t happen. If it does, it’s going to fuck everything up. I don’t even want to think about it. I will be screwed, undesirable, plagued with stigma, forced to listen to a hundred family lectures of what I should have or shouldn’t have done, I will want to kill myself, I will have to tell the people I slept with about it, and I will have to figure out a way to get meds so I don’t die from aids. I don’t want to think about anything. I don’t want to think about any of that. There are 38 days left and I don’t even want to imagine that each day the truth draws nearer, and nearer, and nearer.
But that’s what I will have to do. We all have to brace for the possibility of a positive result. I know for a fact that I won’t kill myself. That is the one thing that I truly know. The rest…I have no idea how I am going to figure it out. There are ways. There are always ways. All we have to do is research them. All we have to do is continue to attempt to solve all the problems. Resiliency. It is key. There are so many people that put us to complete and utter shame. People that are in imaginable situations of suffering, struggle, and pain, yet they find a way to make things work. If they can, so can I. There are ways, and I will find a way. I have always found a way to solve problems. Most problems, I would say. There are problems that are still unresolved, but those problems will be solved in the future. I must admit in all honesty that in my life everything has actually turned out to be ok in the end no matter how bad it seemed. And this will be no exception. I think that the problem lies in the fact that most (if not all) people act as if they were going to live forever. We are not going to live forever. This isn’t a video game that has “continues” or extra “lives” that we can use in case of tragedies. Just one life, that is all. And that is all that there will ever be. I will fight. I have to fight. I have been fighting all of my life; so why give up now? Why give up when we have come so far? We came from far away, all the way here, and it would be an insult to give up. So young, so much to do. No matter what happens. I have to fight for myself and for the family that has fought for me when I have felt like giving up.
The best thing to happen would have to be to not worry about getting a real job, so we can smoke weed all of December. And we will smoke weed all of December. We will find ways, like we always have. A little money here and there. And that will help us cope with the final month of waiting before the truth is known. That is the best case scenario that could happen to us. I don’t want to think about anything else, and I won’t think about anything else. It is only counter productive. I can’t sit here and waste my time making up scenarios, fantasizing about catastrophes that may never even happen. What a waste of time! What a waste of the mind! What a waste of life! I won’t be doing that any more. I intend on living every moment with more awareness of myself and the world around me. There is no other way, because otherwise, we are going to go insane. I want to save the little but of sanity that I have left to enjoy the many conquests that are yet to come. And they will come; they are coming. The best days of my life are only ahead of me. The past is filled with pain, sorrow, disappointments, tears, depression, and heartaches; but the past is also filled with invaluable lessons that have helped me cope, and such lessons have helped me have perspective on life and people.
Unfortunately, we must continue this mode of isolation until the clouds clear up. They will clear up. We have been waiting for a long time, but these clouds of doubt will all disappear; and sooner than I think they will. All I have to do is just wait for the final stretch. Regarding the question of whether we are going to cut him off forever, I have decided that yes, we will. Part of me feels sad about it, but part of me feels that I want to do it. I want to get it over with. I want to make sure that I never speak to him again and that he never speaks to me again. I feel that if I were to have something, I would question my beliefs that ”Everything happens for a reason”. I would question it to the point where perhaps I would not believe in it anymore. However, it would be difficult to do such a thing because, taking that incident out of the equation, everything has been happening for a reason lately. The events of the past 2 years have all been adding up to something. What that something is, I can only speculate. I hope that it truly is what I think it is. It has to be. I deserve this break. Yes, many people around the world deserve breaks. Millions of people whose life has been plagued with suffering deserve this break. But in my world, I am the most important person, as they say: “You are the center of your own Universe.” And I know that I deserve this. I deserve it and more. Time will only tell if it will come to fruition, and I think that it will. I have the resources, and those resources have the tools and money to make it happen. The rest, is up to fate. I must do my best, and leave the rest. And that’s exactly what I will continue to do until the day that I die.