Sorry for not writing anything in such a long time. I have been dealing with a lot. Even though not much is happening in my life, I have been dealing with more inner torment. All I can think about is this entire hiv thing. All over again. As if we hadn’t had enough of that shit already. It’s coming back to haunt me. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I wish that I could fight whatever temptations come my way; but I am weak. Yes, I confess that I am weak to temptation. I have nothing to say about this, other than I know that I am not perfect. This isn’t an excuse to go and ruin my entire life, but I am not going to deny that I’m weak when it comes to pleasure. Smoking, sex, or alcohol. I can’t resist those things, especially if they are easily attainable. I’m not saying that I go out of my way to fuck around with random guys all the time, but when the opportunity presents itself, how do I say no? I like sex, and I love marijuana. I never thought that my life would be like this. I was always the prude during high school…apart from a few encounters way before that. But that’s because I still hadn’t “Grown up”. I still didn’t have a car, or a job. I wasn’t as free to explore as I was now, and the internet has changed a lot. I met people in college that I wouldn’t have been friends with during high school, and they changed everything. But all in all, weed has made me see life differently, and has made me appreciate things that I would have never appreciated before. It has also taught me that unless I am rich, my rightful place is not within the material world, but appreciating nature and art. I’m not saying that all rich people are materialistic, but I know for a fact that if I was rich, I would be. I was so materialistic during my late teens and up until I turned 22. I know what that world is like.

All the things that I have done the past 3 years would have never crossed my mind while I was in high school. I always remember saying that I would never do drugs or have sex with people I didn’t know, but all of that has changed. It’s amazing yet scary how these things can have such an effect on someone’s life. It’s funny now that I look back and see that sheltered and shy kid in high school and compare him to the man that I am now. I may still be a little shy and I’m anti-social as fuck, but I have grown out that shell that was keeping me from experiencing life. And like I said, I was still in high school; no car, no job, not a lot of freedom. I still experienced drama with people, but nothing compared to what I experienced in college and this past year after graduating.

To be honest, I have no idea what is going to happen to me. Like I said, I’ve put all my hopes into this businness. If this doesn’t work, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I am not going to get a master’s. I am not going to go back and fuck myself over with debt anymore. That’s why I’m so scared…but a part of me is calm about the whole situation. I think that it’s my defence mechanism that is making me think that this is all just some delusion and that none of this is real. I miss my days in the summer where all I would do is smoke every other week or so by the river with my friend. I’m glad that at least, those moments are frozen in time, somewhere in the recording history of the universe. Everything that happens in the world is recorded, even if it’s not seen or heard. Even if it’s not video taped, or audio taped. It doesn’t matter. We leave our marks.

Part of me knows that there is a possibility of having caught something. I won’t know until 48 days have passed. Part of me wants to know now, but part of me never wants to know. But I know that I have to do the right thing and get tested. It’s only fair. I’m not really worried about how I am going to react…I’m worried about my parents. There is so much that they are susceptible to. Maybe I’ll be like that when I reach their age. This “I don’t give a fuck” attitude has only taken me so far, just like weed has. It may have granted me precious enlightenment about the world, but it still hasn’t landed me a job; and it shall not. All I can hope is that this business takes off…because if it doesn’t, I might find myself wrestling with the idea of suicide once more….and I don’t want to experience that again. I’m afraid that I may also have to face those demons again if my test results come out the way I don’t want them to. But I can’t worry about that now. It’s useless to worry about something that I can’t control…let alone don’t know for certain. Nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. All I can do is wait for the outcome, and if it means my demise, then so be it. Without a real job I won’t be able to afford insurance, and therefore meds. I just hope that if that is the case, I can go fast. Because I am so tired of everything. I know that I have said that I am a fighter, yes, I am. But when the system has fucked me over (and by that I mean the education system, I wish I was more educated about college and college loans and the job market before going into this mess), I feel like there isn’t much I can do to fight back.

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