There is something very important that I have learned recently. Well, perhaps I haven’t really learned all of it, but I know that what I have gained access to so far can be labeled as progress.

I keep meeting guys from online and going on “dates” with them. Some are good, some are bad. But either way, I never hear from them again. I’m not the one to have sex with strangers. Yes, I hooked up with a stranger two weeks ago, but that was the second time that something like that has happened. The first time it happened, I was 19, and now, at 23, I feel no guilt. But this is beside the point; I give up in trying to understand why guys don’t talk to me again, even if they say that the are going to. People lie every time, about everything. Why should I believe otherwise? I have learned to have zero expectations when meeting someone new. I understand that grindr is the scum of the earth (well, PART of what makes the scum of the earth), and that I should not expect to meet anyone serious from there, but at the same time, there is a part of me that hopes that one day I will meet someone decent. But even if they seem decent, there is no way of telling what they are thinking. Last week, I spent the entire day with someone. We talked a lot about life, and had meaningful discussions. I really enjoyed myself that day, and thanked him for giving me a “break” from my pathetic life. That day really made me forget a lot about my problems. The night ended with a kiss, but nothing else.
During our discussion, he told me something that truly woke me up: He said that because men are, by nature, hunters, they see the dating world as a sport; the more men they can get with, the better. Once they go out on a date with someone, they move on to their next “conquest”. Some guys aim to have sex with as many others as possible, some aim to collect as many photos of others as possible; it always seems like a contest. I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to be a part of that fuckery, and I don’t understand why guys can’t even seem to want to be friends with me. If there is something that I don’t have that they want; fine. I just wish that they were honest with me. If they wanted sex from the beginning, they should tell me so, like others have. I don’t understand why they have to put up a front, “I don’t want to hook up with you. I want more than that. I’m different. I’m enthralled by you. Let’s hang out soon. We need to hang out again.” Lies, lies, lies, lies, and more lies. I’m not upset that guys just want to hook up when I want something more, I’m upset that they don’t stay in touch and fall off the face of the earth when they state otherwise. I’m ok with hooking up with someone I know and feel comfortable with, but I don’t understand why people don’t even want to be friends. Friends. FRIENDS. I’m not asking for anyone’s hand in marriage, I’m asking for friendship. Aren’t we all alone, sad, and depressed? Don’t we need each other to survive? Don’t people want to kill their loneliness? Because I do, and I’ve been told that people are often more lonely than they are appear, or more depressed than they seem. So do I keep meeting the wrong sort?
All I know and all that I can learn from this is that guys will always have ulterior motives. Always. Even if they act like the guy of my dreams to get me in bed with them, they will always have an agenda. At the end of the day, no matter how good the conversation goes, it always turns to sex. Same story; different day. 
I can’t have expectations anymore, and I can’t try to understand men anymore. I can’t try to sit here and waste my time by analyzing this non-sensical behavior, because if I do, I’m going to drive myself crazy. There is no truth to this. People act on impulse, on emotions, and what THEY think is right for them, even if it is blatantly harmful to someone else. People don’t need motives for behaviors anymore. So what am I to do? Nothing. Simply live day by day, going with the flow, and expect nothing. I have to safeguard the little bit that is left of my sanity, even though I’m only 23. In this type of world, you are forced to grow up fast, and the cost is losing part of your sanity.

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