I honestly feel like: why bother with anything anymore? I really feel like my life is just a joke waiting to be over. Tonight my dad asked me if I had any friends I could hang out with. Another joke. And what am I supposed to do around here? I’m not even sure what to say to that. I know that I’m still so young, but I feel like when I reach old age, instead of looking back at my life and listing all the regrets and could have beens, and would have beens, and what ifs, I’ll just be like: “Can this be over now please?” Seriously. I won’t even care. Why? Because I’m done. I have no more energy to care about these things anymore. No social life? Don’t care. Working two jobs just to have all the money be gone to college loans? Don’t care. Can’t find a real job? Don’t care. Can’t find a boyfriend? Don’t care. Can’t enjoy life for what it is? Don’t care. Still live at home? Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care, don’t care.
This is why I am doing things like Yoga; so that I can just become “zenned out” and continue on not caring, like a zombie, numbing everything. This isn’t even about me having a good life and not realizing it. I know that I am listing all the bad things and not the good; this is not about that. This is about the fact that I no longer care about what I don’t have and can’t do. A part of me, deep inside, does care. But the majority doesn’t care because I know that by doing so, I would be wasting energy and killing the final bits of sanity that I have left after all these fucking years. Yoga has now permanently replaced weed, because with weed I feel like my body goes to shit and I age a thousand years. If I’m going to be numb, I might as well feel good about my body.
I know people tell me that this is not going to be forever; but I feel like they don’t know. They don’t know, and they won’t know. Do they have a crystal ball that tells them? Do they consult the oracle and ask: “Tell me, will things for *my name here* ever change?” No. I know that I have said that I would make an effort to think positive, but this is really difficult. “Think positive, and positive things will happen.” Easier said than done. This takes time. For so long, I have let my mind control me, instead of me control it. I have let my emotions embody themselves through my behavior and words. Even though this may be a sign of being human, it’s a sign of weakness. I have been through a lot of hell, and the fact that I am still here is something to feel good about, but at the same time I see all these faces moving on, achieving it all; not to say that they do not have problems of their own, but I feel like it’s always the same for me. This is why I am avoiding people. The conversation will eventually turn to talking about life, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about life. I’m tired of talking about life. It’s the only thing people seem to ever do. Ask questions. Inquire about the details. Why? So they can begin to compare right away? No. I don’t want to do it. But I don’t want to be that jaded person; as I have said many times. I want to be the one that becomes happy by listening to other people’s triumphs. This would be plausible if I had triumphs of my own. But instead, all a rut. Maybe things will change. The year isn’t over yet. But I worry about my future. I worry about not being able to find a real job. I have been able to get things moving again; at times, from scratch. I don’t want to give up. A part of me does, but a part of me doesn’t. It would all be so much easier if I gave up, wouldn’t it? But there are so many others who have it so much worse than I do…and they continue to move forward. They put me to shame, and rightly so. If they can do it, why can’t I? I think that my mind is stopping me, but at the same time, I like to be realistic.

So why bother with people? If I like to be a loner, why bother? All I ought to be doing is reading books, doing Yoga, listening to music, and writing on here. I see that I may be beginning to gain an audience; something I feared in the past. Not because I am shy, no. I am an open book and no question is off limits. I think I’ll leave the real reason out of this.

I just hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me. Life is only temporary anyway, no matter how good it gets. This won’t last forever. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Things will not last forever, even if they take a turn for the worst. Life is only momentary. And maybe death isn’t all that bad anyway, just an eternal slumber. Lord knows I love to sleep anyway.

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