I’m done trying to reach out to people and putting myself out there when all I encounter is fake trash. Yesterday I met up with a guy for coffee, a pure informal occasion so I could meet him in person. I sensed he was uncomfortable during the grand total of 15 minutes we talked. Wait, we barely talked. I had to continue making conversation because he kept looking away. Then he said he had to meet up with a friend, and that his friend was coming to meet him there. I offered to wait so he wouldn’t be alone, but he was quick to turn me down.
So today no text from him and I’m 100% certain that he blocked me on grindr. I wasn’t going to ask him to move in with me, I was only interested in friendship. I don’t understand why people are so fake. At no time did he hint or indicate that he wanted a hook up. I don’t understand why this would happen. I know that I shouldn’t get upset by it, but part of me is grossly disturbed. I don’t understand why. I am guilty of cutting contact with people and removing them from my life; this I will not deny. But the reasons were valid. I knew them for sometime. But this behavior disturbs me.
This happens each time. This why I deleted grindr today. I am so done and I don’t give a fuck. I don’t even want friends if they’re going to act like fakes. I know it’s a shit place for trying to meet decent people, but I had hope. At least I had hope.
I can’t worry about these things anymore. I know meeting friends is hard once you leave college. But I cannot continue to do this. It’s detrimental to my health. How am I going to find someone? Or how am I going to find new friends? I can’t worry about this anymore. It’s out of my hands. I don’t understand people, and I don’t want to understand people.
My mistake was that I gave too many fucks way too soon, at a younger age. Now, I feel jaded. Everything is “whatever” to me. Yes, there are times when I feel shocked, or angry, or confused, but a part of me gets over it within moments. But I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the person that hate everyone because they all have happiness and I don’t. I don’t want to be that person at family gatherings that hates everything and doesn’t talk to anyone nor smiles during jokes because at the end of the day I know that this is all just an illusion and that my life has turned out to be a joke. I have felt like that a lot this year, and it scares me. I know that I’m only 23, but my mind is 45. I keep saying this each time, and how that will eventually be my downfall. But I don’t want to be that person. I was looking at pictures of me smoking weed two days ago and I was disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, not because I think that weed is bad, but because I didn’t like what I saw in those pictures. That person is not me. I am not that guy who gets high all the time because my life is currently a disaster and so I become a stoner to deal with the pain. I wanted to throw my phone away so I would never see those photos again. I know that this is not who I am. If I continue down this path of substance abuse and jadedness, I am not going to end up anywhere. But how can I even deal with my life? How can I deal with the sad fact that every time there’s a family gathering, I am the only one who is single? How can I cope with going out on the streets and seeing people hand in hand, smiling? I know that nobody has a perfect life, but how can I cope with being continuously reminded of what I don’t have? Is the world such a sick mess that we can’t even find genuine friends anymore? I don’t think I have anymore words to describe how I feel about this. We’re made a part of the system by falling into financial debt. Because of this, we are not allowed to think. We are not allowed to wonder. Few will ever wake up.

At this point, all I can occupy myself with is Yoga and books. I hate people, but at the same time, I need people.

I have no more words, so I’ll end with this:

“Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put there just to nourish human loneliness?”

-Haruki Murakami