I am going to lose my fucking mind. What am I even doing being alive? What am I even doing hoping for something that is not going to come? I keep opening and closing my eyes, repeatedly, to see if it’s a dream, and it’s not. And it won’t go away. This is real. This is happening. And I can’t make it go away, and I can’t make it disappear permanently, the way I float out of life when I’m high or the way the silent darkness seeps in when I fall asleep…whenever I can fall asleep.
So many people my age or younger have their lives together, and here I am, not knowing what to do. I’m waiting, for what? What am I waiting for? Why am I continuing to participate in this pathetic existence called life? My friend messaged me today, telling me that for the first time in years, he considered suicide. I wish I could meet someone who wants to end their life, drive to the top of a cliff, take their hand, and jump with them. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong in this planet, I don’t belong in this world; I don’t belong in this fucking “thing” called life. I’m glad I don’t sleep well at night. Maybe that can contribute to me getting a heart attack; that way I can die without actually killing myself, because sadly, I am too afraid to kill myself, and that is a complete disgrace. In times like these, I can’t even look in the mirror; I don’t even want to look in the mirror. I want to forget how I look. I don’t want to see that face, with its lifeless eyes, looking back at me. I don’t want to be aware of my own existence. I want to escape, and never come back.
I won’t even be able to get high anymore. Being depressed (I fucking hate that word so fucking much) and smoking makes me become more aware of how shitty things really are. Isn’t that what drugs are supposed to be for? Escaping? Why the fuck are they making the problem worse? Why are they making me more aware of the problem? I don’t even enjoy alcohol as much as I used to anymore. What is left for me? Reality? This sick and fucked up reality? I hate being sober. I know and understand why people abuse drugs. But the saddest part is that society has made me hate being sober. I laugh at that young kid, who in High School, wouldn’t even associate himself with people who had friends that did drugs. And although I have never done anything other than weed and had a couple of nights where I reeked of alcohol and made best friends with the toilet, I still say to myself: “Take a look at you now, you fucking idiot.” I wish I had the strength to engage in dangerous self destructive behavior. Part of me wants to live, and I fail to understand why that part exists. I’m a fucking homosexual, why the fuck is there a biological part of me that wants to survive? I can’t even  have kids. What’s the point? I don’t want to survive. I don’t want to go on. Why is there a part of me that does? I wish that part of me would die; I wish I could kill it. I wish I was strong enough to drug it into complete submission, so it wouldn’t be able to continue to make me be alive. I remember listening to a story by someone, once. He was going no where in life. He spent thousands of dollars on drugs. And one night, while high on everything, he went to the bathroom and slit his wrists. He lived. But that  shows me that this part of us that wants to continue to live can successfully be suppressed. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do all these drugs, all at once, and slice my wrists with a kitchen knife. I wish I could overdose on everything and go peacefully. So why can’t I? Why can’t I do what is viable?
Why am I sitting here writing this instead of coming up with a solution to the problem? I’ll tell you why: because I don’t know what to do with my life. I see myself dying young with no prosperous future; and even if I live, I don’t see myself doing anything professional. So what am I left with? Killing myself? Why am I going to continue this life if I know that this misery is never going to go away? Why prolong the suffering when I can just end it all now? Why can’t I do it? My mind isn’t stuck in some conditioned limbo. My mind is reacting to the reality that is life and society. I spend so much time blaming society, and I refuse to have people think that I am a weak victim. I may be 23 years old, but you better fucking believe me when I tell you that I have had my years of fighting. I have had my share of suffering. Just because I’m 23 it doesn’t mean that I haven’t “lived life” or “truly experienced suffering”. Why would anyone even say that? In the world that we live in, would anyone be surprised that a 23 year old is thinking this way? There are kids as young as 12 or 13 who commit suicide, so why would anyone look down upon me and think that I’m “too young” to know what pain is? I grew up way too fast mentally, and I hate my mind because of it. I am going to continue to blame society for fucking things up. I am a victim, like many others. Do you want to know why? Because I did everything that I was told to do. I was told to stay in school, go to college, get good grades, study hard, graduate, and be rewarded at the end. Is this my reward? Is this what I get for crying during the middle of a fucking statistics test? Or for losing sleep over studying? Or for thinking that I was better than most of the people who were out partying and having sex all the fucking time because I was staying in studying? Not that I had a social life to begin with. But is this what I get when all those other people have actual lives now? Is this really how it is going to be? I have always tried to do the right thing. I have always tried to stay out of trouble. I have always tried to help other people, and this is how life repays me. This is why there is no god. This is why there is no karma. This is why there is no nothing. It’s all socially constructed by humans so that we could give a “special” meaning to our pathetic lives and existence because we can never accept the FACT that in reality, our lives don’t have meanings and that we are born to reproduce and then die. So what happened? Man created god, superficiality, materialism, and fairy tales so that we could cope with this and not have as shitty of a life. But some of us see this truth. Some of us have awakened. Some of us have parted from the herd; the broken ones. We see things for what they really are. This is why I couldn’t care less if lighting struck me and broke me into a million pieces. This is why I loathe opening my eyes in the morning, and realizing that I have to live another day. This is why I have become a loner. This is why I don’t care about humanity. The sad part about this is that we are a contact species, and we need that contact, otherwise we go insane…and to be honest, going insane and being locked up for life sounds so heavenly and appealing than trying to make it through this bullshit fantasy world that man has created for itself. This way, I can escape reality for the rest of my life and not worry about dying in the end. And maybe this is really what heaven is like. Why would I continue this bullshit? Even if I attained everything I wanted, I would still lose it, because in the end, we are all born to dieWhat’s the point? What is the point of achieving everything you want if you are going to lose it in the end? We live as though we will forever, always putting that thought of death into the back burner, hoping that it will stay there, pretending that it doesn’t exist. But it does exist. And it will happen; to some of us sooner than others. This world is an absolute absurdity of colossal proportions, and by attempting to make sense of it, man has created an even bigger absurdity. By attempting to make sense of it, man has ventured into the depths of insanity and forgery by creating a fantasy world that is supposed to shield us from the fact that life truly is meaningless, that there is no god, no afterlife, and that we were born to die and turn into dust. It has backfired; this fantasy world is doing more harm than good. I’m fucking done.