my hiv test was negative. but that’s not what I am writing about today. today, I’m writing about something else. not sure where to start, so I’ll just let my mind take over, as I usually do.

You know, I try my best to do good in life. I give back to others. I am nice to people. I treat others well. I stay away from drama, fights, gossiping, bullying, and trouble. But what do I receive? What does life give me in return? I have a roof, a car for transportation, food, water, a bed, loving family and friends. I get angry at the people who tell me that I don’t value any of this. I do value it. I am thankful. I don’t show it, but I am. Just because you have a car, it doesn’t mean you have to use it every day. I don’t show this gratitude, but it doesn’t mean I don’t possess it. I am thankful for all the love I receive. I am thankful for the acceptance I thought I wouldn’t get after I came out. I am grateful for not having been kicked out of my house when I thought I would be. I am thankful, infinitely thankful, for all the love I have gotten. I know that I have hurt you at times, and I know I have been extremely perturbing at times, but you have done the same to me, so we are even. Nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws. And I thank you for being by my side, always.
But what does life give me? I try my absolute best to stay neutral on everything. Yes, I have bad days where I may be mean and rude to people. Everybody has those days. But I don’t go out of my way to treat anybody with disrespect. What does life give me? A useless college degree? No real job? No social life? No boyfriend? Everyone around me is moving on. Yeah. The old “don’t compare yourself to others” bullshit. But you know what? I am disheartened. 
I am nobody to decide who gets to be happy, or who deserves to be happy. But, I will say this: There are people out there who do bad things. There are people out there who willingly hurt others, cheat, lie, and steal. Some of these people get what they want. Some of these people become happy. Yet here I am, trying my best, doing my best, and what do I get? Two “jobs” that help me pay for gas, a gym membership, and my expensive private loans with high interest rate that “helped me” fund a useless degree? Is this what my life has come to? Is this what I have come to after all that I have put up with? Is this the end after all the battles that I have fought? Is this what is going to happen? Is this my destination after coming all the way from another continent, having no family or friends in the USA when I first got here, having to start life from scratch, coming out to my family, enduring endless depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, and going through social drama? Is this really what there is at the other side of all that darkness? More darkness? This is why my faith in god is permanently damaged. Those days where I used to pray and ask god for strength and peace are over. A god would not let this happen. They say “god gives the toughest battles to the toughest soldiers.” I have been clinically depressed since 2008. My life has been difficult since 2008. Is this a lifetime battle? Does it end? Am I going to feel happiness? I don’t know what happiness feels like. I am 23 years old, and I don’t know what fucking happiness feels like. I am 23 years old and I feel like wanting to die every fucking week because society and life are too much. Shouldn’t I be full of life? Oh no, wait, the life has been sucked out of me. My friend told me she would let me “have my phase,” but this isn’t a phase. This is my life. Playing the victim? Yes, I am a victim of society and what it has done to life. But my blood boils when people say that I love to play the victim. I have been fighting and putting up with THE MOST ridiculous bullshit ever since I was a toddler. Family drama, being bullied at school, feeling like a fucking loner, growing up confused, lonely, sexually experimenting with other boys in kinder garden and feeling fucked up about it. Nobody fucking knows what I have dealt with. No, I am not saying that I have had the most difficult and fucked up life in the recorded history of earth; but I am saying that it has been a constant war and I am so jaded and numb at this point, I could lay in the middle of train tracks and just die. I am *exhausted* of fighting. I have been asking for a break for a long time. I can’t catch one. So what then? My life has become so pointless and useless that I couldn’t care if I died tomorrow. I rather sleep forever, get it over with, rather than to continue the rest of my life fighting. 
I could have it absolutely worse than others, yes. I could. But I am TIRED of repeating that just because somebody is worse off, it doesn’t mean that MY problems AREN’T problems to ME. I am tired of people telling me what to do. I am tired of everyone who feels that they just HAVE to have an opinion about my life. But mostly, I am tired of people asking questions. One of the reasons that I don’t know what to do with my life is because I’ve had so many fucking people tell me what I should or shouldn’t do, or this job or that job, or this salary or that salary, or this degree or that degree. I am exhausted. I am sick of it. I can’t even escape it. If I retreat and become a social loner, I will become more depressed and enter a world of grand delusions and fantasies. So where am I going to end up? In a state run mental facility? 
Do you really want to know what I think it’s going to happen? One day, I will, somehow, finally find the courage and strength to kill myself. I don’t know how, but it will happen. This is way too fucking much for me. I am too sensitive, too emotional, too fickle, too weak. The spirit can only take so much. What’s the point of anything anymore? I would like to know. Everything seems pointless. What is life? Make money, pay for everything, then die? My friend said it. There’s school loans, mortgage loans, car loans, your life is a loan. This system is too fucked up. I don’t belong here. 

Each night, I hope that I don’t wake up the next morning, because I sure as fuck don’t want to face another day. So what am I doing? Waiting to die? What’s the point of life? Make other people happy? What about my own fucking happiness? I can’t even believe that we have to WORK for out happiness. It is no longer a given. No longer a “right”. No longer a freebie. I don’t think I can feel happiness. I don’t think happiness exists in my world. There’s only depression, numbness, and a state of phenomenal consciousness that gets me through my days. I might as well be dead. I don’t want to fucking deal with any of this shit anymore.

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