There are no more words to say anymore. There are no more breaths to take. There are no more thoughts to think. My life has become an unimaginable nightmare. I can thank this to student loans. My life is now ruined, forever.
Every day, I wish I didn’t have to wake up and face the worthless and dull existence that I have to deal with. I can’t even abuse drugs because I plunge into this deep depression. I don’t see a way out. I don’t see how there is a god. There is no god. A god could not be this cruel to myself and countless millions around the world.
I say that I don’t care, and that life is pointless, but deep down, in my heart, I do care. I suppress these feelings with all my strength. I cannot believe that this is my life. I cannot believe how useless everything really is. I cannot believe how terrible everything has truly become. But I guess, that at the same time, it happens to people. Unfortunately, I am one of those people. We go through life thinking that certain things can’t happen to us. Misery, sadness, great loss, countless misfortunes…those happen to other people; not us. But nobody can escape them. I feel dead on the inside; life and society have sucked the life and joy out of me. I see no way out; everything is about money. Life is about money. The right to life notion is now a joke.

I want to kill myself, but I have no idea how to. I don’t want to live anymore. I truly don’t. There is no point in continuing this worthless and sad existence when its prospects will not improve. I have nothing to fight for, nothing to live for. Many will say that my family and friends are the reason as to why I should stay alive; but I disagree. Is it selfish to want to kill yourself? Or is it selfish to want to keep someone who is going through unspeakable pain for your own benefit? Which is more selfish?

Each day that goes by; I slowly and painfully accept my worthless reality. My life is worthless. I have wasted so much time doing nothing. So much time gone…time that I can never get back. And meanwhile, everyone else moves on. Everyone else ascends to that step that brings them closer to happiness and success, while I stagnate and wish I was dead. I wish it. I wish it with all my heart and all the strength I can find; I wish I was dead. The only strength that I have is used for wishing that I was dead. Why am I so afraid? Why can’t I kill myself? Is there some hidden hope that keeps me alive? Why should there be any? Why should I even try? There is nothing I can do; I find myself at a dead end. I have asked god to kill me many times, but since there is no god, it’s not going to happen. They say that if you want to get something done, you ought to do it yourself. How do I kill myself? I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die. There is nothing appealing about life. There is absolutely nothing to look forward to. Each week that goes by, things either stay the same or dwindle. All of these false hopes that I have been fed for the past 4 months are nothing but lies.

The world is lost. The entire world is lost. All society cares about is money and beauty. All we do is blame society; but we are society. I am a victim to the susceptibility that comes with paying too much attention to these mirages. I’ve lowered my standards so much in order to accommodate myself to the fact that I am never going to attain what I once wanted to attain. Gone are the days of my ambitious plans to be rich. Experiencing life from another perspective has helped me realize that money does not bring happiness..and material possessions do not bring happiness either. If they ever did; it is a fake happiness that is only temporary. Some people are so fake, they alter their bodies, put on excessive make up, buy themselves materials worth thousands. But it is all fake at the end of the day. When you leave this world, you take nothing with you. Society honors these talentless celebrities that have nothing culturally significant to contribute to society. It makes me so sick to think that they have millions, while there are others who truly contribute to the common good of the world and get nearly nothing back. It’s sad to see where society has placed its values. Actions speak louder than words; I have no hope for humanity.

I am stuck not knowing what to do with my life. But the loan collectors don’t care. There is no way to develop and no way for me to be able to be independent. There is no way to get ahead. I can’t move out. I can’t be on my own. I can’t have the independent life that I need. Who is going to want to be with someone like that? Who is going to want to be with a loser? Nobody. I don’t see myself living on my own. How can I even live on my own if I don’t know what to do with my life? How can I escape this cage? There is no key. I have always gone into the new year with hope alive and high spirits..only to have a horrible year. This pattern hasn’t stopped since 2008. Why would it stop now? I only went to college because society said I needed to. And now I’m paying the consequences. I may have learned a lot about life and people in college, but that doesn’t compliment all the emotional stress and financial burden that came with it. And now it’s too late to go back in time…you can’t go back in time. I would read the stories of people not having jobs, simply to shrug and tell myself “This will never happen to me.” But it did. They tell me I am still young and that my life will get better. But they told me the same story when I was 16, when I was 17, when I was 18, when I was 19, when I was 20, when I was 21, when I was 22, and now at 23; the story rings in my ears over and over. This is why I have purposely isolated myself from almost everyone. I do not want to know about how amazing your life is. I do not care, I do not want to hear it, I do not want to see it, and I do not want to talk about it. I don’t feel anything at this point. My body has gone through so many deep emotions, I think that it it shutting down. It has been worn out. It has lost the ability to feel; and that makes me a walking corpse with only a conscious mind.

Still, I see no point in continuing. I never feel anything other than sadness, disillusionment, disappointment, rejection, dread, and pain. They all say that it will get better. But how do you know it will get better? You don’t. You can’t predict the future. I’m tired of being incapacitated. I’m tired of being tied down. I’m tired of this life that we have created. When was the last time that someone stopped to admire flowers and not a mannequin at a window display? I’m tired of being fed lies after lies after lies. I tried to do what society said, and now, it’s too late. I’m trapped in this horrible situation I don’t see myself getting out of. Being positive takes so much energy. I lack this energy and strength. I can’t find it anywhere. I have tried to be a good person through the years, I have tried to do what is right…only to find myself being in a nightmare. I’m not stating that I am extraordinary and special. I am not stating that I should be exempt from life and its miseries. I do, however, would like a break from everything that I have to deal with. But it won’t stop…and I don’t see it stopping any time soon.

This is why I would rather not exist. This is why I do not see how anything matters. I have lost all hopes in a favorable outcome. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and try to cry; but there are no tears. Sometimes I lay in bed and repeat “I wish I was dead” until my mind burns out and I collapse into unconsciousness. Is it normal that I am angry because unconsciousness does not last as long as I wish it would? I wake up in the mornings angry because I feel as though my sleep should have been longer. I can’t believe how disillusioned I really am. But most of all: I can’t believe that this is how my life is turning out to be. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up…or sleep forever. I have no idea what it feels like to be happy. Some say that “The only true happiness comes in death,” and maybe it really does.

Advertisements