Here we are, once again, saying goodbye to yet another year. Last year was difficult…and I survived. Yet, I took with me a lot of heartache and disappointments. I blogged about all the things that happened during each quarter of the year. But this year, not a whole lot happened, so a simpler blog will suffice.

Unlike many people, I couldn’t wait until 2011 ended and 2012 began. There were a lot of heartaches in 2011, and that’s how we began our year; with a big hole in my heart. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get over this heartbreak, but I did. Time worked its magic and slowly but surely things went “back to normal” once one. I declared that 2012 would be “my year”, and that things would get better. I had a genuine feeling of immense hope; and felt in my heart that good things would happen to me. A big theme of 2012 is the “zombie” theme. By the middle of the year, I decided that I would num b my mind and forget about everything. I lived my days in “daily compartments”, forgetting the prior day and not looking forward to the morrow.

I pretended to be happy; advertising my fake happiness on facebook so that people would think that I was happy and not upset about my break up anymore. I wanted people to believe that I was living a happy life, so that they would be jealous of me and realize that I had completely moved on from my breakup. That didn’t last very long. I pretended to be happy and turned to alcohol in order cope with my pain. I also exposed myself to other men and hooked up with a few, which was also advertised on facebook. That way, my former BF could see that I was no longer in pain; that he no longer had power over me.

As the year went on, and school began, I faced the toughest semester since Storrs. The academic demands skyrocketed, and I turned to drinking more and more. I also continued to see my counselor. I couldn’t help but to notice that she sounded rather scolding. Yet, because I had no money, I continued to see her in order to escape the co pays and use my dad’s insurance money.

Needless to say, my optimistic attitude about life during that Spring Semester of 2012 made me happy. I met some new people, and I had a fun time in all my classes. I can truly say that my positive mental attitude helped me cope with the absurdity and boredom that was my life. I often wondered “What do I do with my life now?” after my  break up; yet life found a way, and as I began to get busy with my school work, I got better. I was sad when the semester ended; but happy because it was extremely stressful. I also finished my last ever math class; and I was so happy. I was also happy with the new friendships I made. I looked forward to the next semester because I knew that things wouldn’t be so stressful. Some highlights from the Spring of 2012 include: hooking up in a cheap motel, making out with a really hot guy, having fun with my new friends in Stats class, and enjoying the new friendships that I made.

When summer came, I wanted to go wild. So naturally, I did. I deserved a break after the horribly demanding Spring semester. I drank more, and got drunk myself as well. But I also smoked a lot of weed. I also got an internship for the experience of saying that I had one. It was an event planning internship that lasted from June all the way up to October. All I can say from that is that I will never do event planning ever again. It was a positive experience for me; but it was tedious and stressful. Needless to say, I still enjoy the fact that it made me stay busier.
As summer dragged on, I continued to drink and smoke. I bought myself a new elephant bowl, and would buy week from my friend in order to smoke more and more. I have no idea how I didn’t get caught at home, but on one occasion, my brother saved me from getting kicked out of the house. I would smoke in my bathroom before showers or before bed by the window. I did this knowing the risks of getting kicked out of my house. Thankfully, I didn’t get caught. One of the best memories I have is smoking weed with my friend Sam inside of a willow tree. I will carry that amazing memory with me to the grave.
However, as summer came to a close, I began to get more depressed and unenthusiastic about life. I had no desire to do anything but smoke weed. I entered a panic mode, and decided that it would be best to stop. This had never happened to me before; and my friend Sam felt the same way. If it wasn’t for weed or drinking, the summer of 2012 would have been one of the most extremely dull summers of my life. Now I understand why people of the Farmington valley, Hartford, and Torrington are all on drugs. There is nothing to do in Connecticut.

Summer ended and I found myself back in school. My last semester; I couldn’t believe it.
My main complaints were not having fun and not being able to have sex. I also wanted a boyfriend; but I realize now that I cannot be in a relationship because my life is extremely uncertain. I rekindled my friendship with my old friends Stephanie and Sayeda, and I began to understand a lot of things about life. I began to have a “thug” attitude. I began to listen to a lot of hip hop. 2 Pac, Biggie, and assorted music by different rappers. I understood the meaning of hip hop; and I can now appreciate it for its full value. It’s funny how I used to loathe it so much back in 2007; yet I found myself loving every beat of it.

I really do wish that more important and memorable things happened in 2012; rather than getting caught with calling the manager a bitch, or getting a new job at a shoe store, or having failed miserable at the mobile hook up scene, or having relapsed into depression that I was given anti-depressants and anti anxiety pills from it. However, I still experienced life, and that is most important. I also began to slowly fall in love with the Harry Potter series. I have to remind myself to get all the movies once I get a functional DVD player.

After my last semester ended, I found myself not knowing what to do with my life. My dad’s sudden health problems made it worse. And the fact that he needs a new job before 2014 hits also adds to the uncertainty. I am still in that phase and era that I call “The age of uncertainty”. For me, nothing is certain. Will my dad stay in CT? Will my aunt’s business take off in Miami?
I also decided to put Justin in the past. I no longer need him. I need to be young, independent, and free. And that’s just what I will do. I will leave all the complications behind and just enjoy myself. 2013 may be a year of uncertainty, but at least it will be more fun; as I expect the unexpected.

So here I sit, in a balcony in the Dominican Republic, having awarded the music that touched my life this year, remembering Whitney Houston, waiting for 2013 to come; and not knowing what to expect. Funny where life takes you. After countless thoughts of suicide, endless tears, some effort, and desperate thoughts of not wishing to exist, here I sit. What can I say?