Another night, another entry, another episode of depression. How can I be depressed in paradise? I guess that my depression follows me, wherever I go.

Today I talked with Justin and our plans to be together dwindled in front of my eyes. The more letters, words, sentences that I read, the more those chances died. It’s as if each sentence was a dagger that stabbed our plans to be together, until it couldn’t take it anymore and was left for dead on the side of the road. But that’s how it is. He has different plans, he’s a loose bird. He is going to do whatever he is going to do. Stubborn as fuck. So let it be, just let it be. My heart wants to keep holding on, but my mind tells me to let it go.

So what happens after we get back? Are we going to start hooking up with people? Are we going to make plans that we are never going to carry out? Am I going to go ahead and pursue a hook up only to be disappointed, AS usual? What is going to become of me?

People tell me that I have no idea what life has in store, and that life always finds a way. And that life always knows what it’s doing. But people also tell me that any man would die to have someone like me. Well, where is he? Where is the line? I think that people are putting ideas into my head and that they are making me think that I am special, and that I am some sort of “perfect prince charming” that every guy is looking for. I think that they are fucking lying. I think that I am as regular as someone who works at a gas station. I am not special. Nobody is special. Nobody ever was special.

I want to laugh at everything. I wish I was high right now I wish I was drunk right now I wish I was dead right now.

I walked around the marina trying to figure out my life, but I ended up spacing out and taking in the breeze and the night sky and the stars. So there goes that. Nobody is going to come and save me. I already know this. I already fucking know this. So what am I to do? What do I do? God are you listening? They say that you exist. So if you are listening, please. I am begging you. What do I do? I have told you many times that if you can prove to me that you exist, that I will devote the rest of my life praising you. Yet you can see the future. Can you see me not doing it after I get what I want? Clever. Of course, I should have known. But what will happen? Are my assumptions correct, or folly? Only YOU know the answers. Only YOU know how everything is going to end. I wish that YOU would tell me, because that way, I would kill myself if the outcome was bleak and would therefore put an END to all this suffering. Are you merciful enough to show me that my future is bleak? Is it? YOU know the answers, not I. I’m angry at you. I’m SO angry at you for allowing yourself to be painted so negatively by so many people through the years. You have allowed this. To what cause? To what purpose? What was your goal? It was something that you foresaw, yet you have done nothing to stop it. This is why I can’t believe in you. This is why I cannot fucking believe in YOU. There are so many things that have happened that could have been stopped. You KNEW that they were going to happen DIDN’T you. Yet you did nothing to stop it. Not a single THING. Tell me, how am I supposed to believe in you after all that? How am I? Should I just focus on all the good things that have happened and ignore the bad forever? That is NOT going to happen. The bad things will ALWAYS be there. No matter how hard you try to ignore them, they will always be there. What have YOU done to stop them? Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t I understand? Why can’t I believe in you? Why do I find it so difficult? Why am I so angry at you? Why do I STAY angry at you? WHY. Be merciful enough to end this fucking misery that is called “life” for me and let me just DIE. It hurts to breathe sometimes. It hurts to think. It hurts to see. It hurts to BE.

I’m so angry at you. So angry. I don’t think that you care.