August 20th, 2012

This will be the last of my summer diaries. As I live the final weeks of summer and begin to get ready for school, an immense feeling of stress compels me. I will no longer go to counseling because I do not feel up to the task of sitting there and having someone scold me over my actions, what I could have done differently, and what I should do.

I finally got a new job with more hours. The only downside is that more hours equals less time to do other things and adds to my stress level. The good is that there are more hours, and it is laid back, overall.

I will smoke weed again on Saturday, and that will be my last time. I am thinking that I should quit altogether. Weed has made me lose interest in my professional life. It also makes me feel like I am going to be a failure and that I am not going to go anywhere in life. Sadly, this is not what I need at the moment. This summer was “action packed” on the first half, and the second half came crashing down on me as the dog days snuck up and destroyed me. A few relapses into depression and suicidal thoughts confirm that the events of the previous statement truly wore me down. Smoking weed does become exhausting; on the brain, on the body, on the ego, but mostly on the body. I feel so exhausted. So worn out…so burnt out. I can’t imagine the people who do this every day for years and years. Must be easy to adjust to.

Unfortunately, I did not explore nature as much as I would like to have this summer. Beach trips were also on the minimum. The internship, I suppose, took some of my weeks away. So much for that, as I ended up not doing much anyway.

I think that I will call this the summer of the Ying-Yang. First half was crazy, and the second pelted by mental struggles. I suffered a lot in July. Although I do not exactly remember what from, it must have been significant enough to wear me down and make me want to end my life again. I wrote yet another suicide letter and stored it with my other letters. It’s an art, you know? Writing suicide letters, I mean. A complete art. And so is writing without structure. They represent the thoughts that flow through my head, and isn’t that so? Thoughts are unstructured, and they come and go. I have noticed that this is what my writing has been partly transformed to. Just random spewing of thoughts. Oh. I blame Duni, partly.

Anyway, as I made my schedule for the Fall, I realized that the stress levels were going to skyrocket, and so they shall. I even had some stress attacks over it. I understand that it is BEST to live in the now. It is, after all, the only certain reality that we have. The now. Not the morrow nor the yesterday, but the NOW. NOW is now. And this is the only state of mind I shall ever know: the now.

So although summer solstice will not end until late September, I bid it farewell. As I start school in 7 or so days from today, I bid summer farewell. So farewell to “call me by your name”, marijuana, minimal sex, alcohol, nights at Tisane, relapses of depression, suicidal thoughts, fear of the future, fear for the uncertainty of my professional life after college, tears, big brother fiasco, orgasms while high (best feeling I have experienced in my life), dreams of Karinhall mountain, the beach, old navy, crickets, thunderstorms, torrential downpours, laziness, boredom, random hatred, movies, harry potter marathons, useless internship, and loneliness (as always).

come Fall, come what may.

love always,