August 3rd, 2012

There are a lot of things that I want to say. I will try to not be analytical, because I feel like that would waste time. In the world we are living in, things are the way they are and people act the way they do just because. There are no longer “reasons” that must be excavated in order to understand this. With that being said, I will begin my rant.

I would like to say that, with a heavy heart, I must confess that things will never be the same between my brother and I. There is a strong sense of awkwardness when I talk to him. This impedes me from having a relationship with him. It is so, it cannot be otherwise. Many things about him annoy me. The noise, the mess, the friends, the girlfriend, the awful singing group, and the mess. I understand that he has not done anything to me- this does not need to be explained. I never disputed this, nor fabricated arguments about it. It is just so. There are no guarantees in life except death, and so, there are no guarantees that we will talk in the future. But perhaps we will. This is something that I cannot predict. I cannot explain the awkwardness because it does not click in my mind. It simply does not. All I can say is that I am sorry.

Second, I want to talk about people who try to talk to me again and want to try to be friends with me again. If we are no longer friends, it is for a REASON. Whether it was your fault or mine, it does not matter. Whether it was both, it does not matter. If I want you in my life, I will keep you. If I don’t, I will not. It is extremely simple, and it perturbs me to have to write about this. It is silly, it is pathetic, and it is useless. But I want to make this CLEAR: If you have drifted from me and or abandoned me, do not expect to pop back into my life and expect me to approve your ticket and let you in. Unless I want to, I won’t. To the people who abandoned me and did not keep in touch with me: Fuck you. Yes, I realize that I have also drifted from you, but that is only because you are associated with bad memories and a lot of pain. Whether you were part of that pain or not, it is irrelevant. Your mere friendship, to me, would cause me distress. I am also tired of certain people and their ways. Playing the victim, judging everyone (publicly and privately), thinking their opinion is the gospel and it is the only one that matters, NEVER admitting to their mistakes and follies, and being unappreciative of my friendship. I want to make it very clear that I am NOT proclaiming to be a special person. I don’t think that anyone is special. I do think, however, that there are GOOD people out there, and because we live in a world that is filled with so much BAD, those people tend to be in the spotlight, at times, and be deemed “special”. But I am no more “special” than the closest person who is also a good individual. Nobody is perfect, and I have never proclaimed to be perfect either. I have my flaws, and I have listed my flaws many times. When caught in a lie, I will admit to it. When caught in a contradiction, I will admit it. When confronted about something that *I* CONSCIOUSLY did, I admit: “It was my decision, it was MY choice.” But when have these people done so? They blame it on everyone else. They want to make themselves seem like they are innocent. This bothers me. And this is exactly another reason why I don’t want to keep some people in my life. It bothers me that I’m maturing, growing up, owning up to my mistakes, and these people continue to stall themselves by continuing to play games. I understand that it takes some longer than others to mature, but common sense is common sense. I have come to realize that certain people were ALWAYS this way, and that me thinking otherwise was an illusion. When I thought that they turned out to be like this after a certain amount of time, I was mistaken. They were always like this, and it took me a long time to figure it out. It took me a long period of exposure, followed by reflection sessions, to figure this out. I thought some people were like family to me, but when the curtain fell, I was left in the dark, wondering where they had gone. There is clearly a line of what is right and what is wrong, and a lot of people, knowing what was wrong, chose to continue to engage in negative behavior. One day, these people (here’s hoping) will realize that the attention that they want is not from negative behavior, but by treating people with decency and respect. We all have our catty, dramatic, and immature moments, but when this pattern of behavior becomes a norm, there is a PROBLEM. I am not responsible for people and their own personal problems. Whatever is it that is bothering you, you need to deal with it. I have said this many times, and I grow weary of repeating myself to death. So this is why I have pulled the plug. I am done. I am tired of the dramatics, the theatrics, the exaggeration, the lies, the fakery, and the role of constantly playing the victim. I understand there is a lot of that in this world, and I will continue to meet people who delight in partaking in such games, however, if I have the chance to isolate myself, I will. If I have the change to know for certain who these people are, I would rather cut them out of my life. Yes, it sucks, and yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable. At one point, these people were my friends, but some friends come and go like Seasons, and your Solstice came and went. *I* have GOT to move on with my life. I have to look forward, to the future. I have to look forward to the people that I am going to meet. I cannot become stagnated in the past like this. I can’t become stuck in a swamp of pain, hurt, falseness, and negativity that is going to impede me from moving on. I am so sorry, but your time is up. Your chapter in my life is over. Cherish the good times, if you must. But enough is enough. I am done. I am a young adult, not a middle school child. I NEED to and WILL move on with my life. Whether you want to, it’s not my damn business. I’m worried about me, and I am not worried about you. At the end of the day, we are all worried about ourselves. Without the self, there is no life.

I am done.