July 1st, 2012

I don’t think I am ever going to be satisfied with my life. No matter what happens. Even if I have it all, I will always want satisfied. This is because I am selfish, I am ungrateful, I am never satisfied with anything, really. So I’m not sure what else to feel. I am not sure what is going to happen from now on. People tell me that they thought my summer was going great. I thought so too, but maybe that’s not even the case. There’s internship then work then gym but how am I supposed to take time to relax and do other stuff? Maybe I do have the time but I just don’t think I do. But when I start my internship hours then what? Will I even have time for anything? I have to ask them tomorrow if they are going to be requiring me to come in every single day that I put. I would hope not. I would like to sleep in and rest. I need a lot of rest. Tons of rest, you know? It would make me happy if I could just rest. Just do nothing but rest. This clearly is not a real vacation. A real vacation is when you go to another country or to the beach for a very long time. But I never really go anywhere. I never really do anything. So I have to compensate by buying expensive things, drinking, and smoking weed. And having sex when it is available.

What keeps us going? And why? Barbie answered that primal instinct to survive keeps us going, and that there is nothing more to life than what it currently is. end of story.

I guess that there is not much else that I can say. At least I know what my feelings are. Imagine the people who do not know how to express themselves or who do not know what their feelings are. At least I know what my TRUE feelings are, and I suppose that I have known long enough…but maybe I just didn’t want to explain it to myself.

Today, I found out who the traitor was. I love how it was confirmed, I asked in the most sneakiest of manners. But alas. I knew all along, and this confirmation does not shock me whatsoever. But like I always say, better to know at once and better to know for a fact than to spend the rest of my life if not a very long time wondering things that could not be. But then again I had a feeling about this.

Feelings of wanting a boyfriend come and go, but there is nothing I can do about it. Right now is truly not the time. “If not now, when?” This could be. But I just don’t have the time. School takes up too much, and so does the internship. I must stop at once before I delve deeper into an obscure path of pessimism about a future that does not exist. And then to become trapped in it. Oh. The horrors. The horrible memories that these things bring back. I will stop at once. You already know exactly what I am trying to say. You have known me for such a long time now, of course you must know.

More later. I think. I don’t know.