Getting up so early is such a nuisance.

But in all honesty, I feel like my life is just this joke. You know, a student died last week. He was a sophomore. Sometimes, I can’t help but to wish that it was me who died. Sometimes I can’t help but to wish my name was written in that email that they send out to the entire university community announcing a death. That way, I would no longer have to struggle with intermediate periods of depression, worrying, school, job, finding someone, getting through the day, dealing with people’s bullshit, society, pain, sadness, loneliness, LIFE…

What am I living for? If science does not ask “why?”, then I can’t ask “Why are we alive?” All I know is this whole “survival of species” bullshit. But why? Survival of species for what? Whoever said that life has to continue? Whoever said that life HAS to be?

I am legitimately tired of it all, really. The break up fucked me up. Fucked me up bad. Really fucking bad. And yet, there are sometimes I think: people who were together much longer…3 years…married for 5 or more years…8 or more years…they go on. They “survive”. They “move on”. But do they FULLY move on? And what is this bullshit about “surviving” ? We never survive. We all die in the end. So truly, why continue? What, in all honesty, is the point?

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. It fucking sucks. Why is this fucker still in my dreams? Get the fuck out of my mind you motherfucker. I HATE YOU. Burn in hell like the rest of the sluts.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I wanted a routine, and now that I have one with school and whatever, I feel like I am just trapped in this monotonous boring life cycle that sucks. Does it really? I don’t know. I’m just so fucking angry. I have all this anger pent up inside. That’s why I’ve been having a lot of Diva moments lately with people. It’s the anger that needs to be released.

fucking fuck.

I love how I fake that I’m happy on Facebook. I only do it to make people think that I’m ok and happy and that I’m getting better. Maybe I AM getting a bit better, but still. I mainly do it so that fucker can see how amazingly happy I am without him. If he even sees my stories. He probably hid me from the news feed. So wtf is the point? To do it anyways because we just promised ourselves this year to not have a single negative post on Facebook. But fuck Facebook. it’s so fucking fake. It’s about who has the best statuses and who has the most fun and who has the most likes. It’s fucking pathetic.

so sad. whatever.

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