I’m troubled tonight. This feeling came out of nowhere…did it? The reason I am troubled is because I have another inner conflict. This inner conflict relates to family. See, I left 95% of my family back in South America when I moved here at 12 years old. It was hard at first, but now that I’ve been living here for 10 years come December and I’ve changed so much, it doesn’t bother me. But why do I feel this way? I guess I have a feeling of animosity towards my extended family. They stayed behind and I moved on. I came to a better land, to a better life…but little did I know that I would suffer incredibly.

I’m not really sure where this is going, but all I can say is that the feeling of frustration is there. It may not even make sense to ME, but I do feel something. I guess that this feeling comes out of the fact that the distance has forever changed how I see my family. Yes, I’ve been told numerous times that they support me and care about me and have asked about me multiple times, but is that really true? I suppose I would not be told so if it wasn’t. Yet…I feel that I am no longer part of my extended family. Maybe because I have ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, felt like an outcast. Never mind my sexuality, I feel that as though that does add “insult to injury”, it is not the main cause for my feelings of awkwardness.

Growing up, I was always bullied and tormented by older kids. I was always the weak, sissy one that cried for whatever reason. I endured a lot, and I put up with so much shit…it makes me angry to think about it. I’m sure that Karma is going to take care of every single person that did me wrong. But has my family done me wrong? I don’t personally think that they have. Maybe I have distanced myself from them because of my sexuality. I think that I have…but at the same time, I just feel so awkward interacting with them. This is mostly from my dad’s side of the family. That is where the majority, if not all, of the animosity lies. I am not sure why. Perhaps I have had more conflicts with them. Perhaps seeing that they have ALL moved on with their lives has deeply affected me. Boyfriends, girlfriends, engagements, marriage, children…And yes, I do realize that people do move on, and that eventually everyone finds their own way in life, but every time I heard someone was moving up a step in life and I was stuck way behind, I felt awful. At least this is how I felt. Every time I heard about an engagement or a pregnancy, I would feel sick. This is because I felt that I was going nowhere in life. I felt that I was stuck in the same step and not making progress. Sure, I’m still in college and I’m doing all the “right” things that someone my age should be doing…but I felt that there was something missing. That something was a relationship. I was the only person of age who didn’t have a significant other. Now that I do, that animosity should be gone…but I feel like it hasn’t. I feel like it’s still here, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it was a mistake to isolate myself from them…but then again I think that it was the right thing to do. With my coming out and everything…something that I had to keep private for at least 3 years before it all blew up in the open…it was difficult to stay in touch. I never visited, there were few to no phone calls, and the distance just put the nail on the coffin. We are living in two different continents after all. Life here is so different…so different.

Sadly, I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I don’t know where things went wrong…or do I? I feel like I’m not too much into the whole family thing as others are. My dad is the number one promoter of it…and sometimes I just get sick. I don’t think that family is the single most important thing in the world. I suppose that it varies from person to person. I think that yes, family is important, but it is not the single most important thing in the world. Families are not perfect, because nothing is perfect. Not everyone is going to always get along with everyone else. And sometimes, families split up. This is all tragic, but it happens. It’s how it is. What makes me angry is that my dad continues to fight and continues to advocate for family as a “scared” priority after all the nonsense we have been through, and after everything that has been said and done. I feel like my core family and I have just been forgotten. Oh well. Nobody knows what they have until it is gone. They cannot expect me to be close to them if they are not close with me. I feel as though my dad is always making the effort to contact them or to continue to establish something with them…but in all honesty, I think that that is dead. It was long ago and far away, and it is history. This is the sad reality that my dad must realize, but then again, I don’t think that he will. His heart will not allow him to believe it. I do believe. I feel that the family I left behind in Venezuela is not important anymore. Yes, it’s sad but true. Some family can get through anything, but some can’t. It also depends a lot on the type of person that one is. I just want to be happy without relying on anybody. I just want to be successful, have a few friends here and there, have my parents, my brother, and my husband (and I hope that my current boyfriend becomes that husband). Maybe a kid…or two. I don’t know. All I know that that my chapter of life in Venezuela is over, and it is over for good.

The person that I was in Venezuela is dead. I am the new person. Not to say that I am SOMEONE else, but I am beyond different. Life here has completely changed me. I have seen and heard some horrible things. I have met some demonic and disgusting people-I wouldn’t even consider them human if it were up to me. I wouldn’t even consider them people at all. But it is what it is. The USA has completely changed me. Society here has completely changed me. Or perhaps it’s the experiences that I’ve had with society and people that have changed me. Regardless, I am someone new. Although my morals have been challenged and at times have failed, I still have my charms, politeness, kindness, emotions, and manners. I suppose that that is the one thing that will never change about me. Everything else is gone. Maybe the new me does not like the people that I left behind. Maybe the new me just wouldn’t get along with them. Maybe the new me has recognized that things are different now, and that I am no longer part of the extended family that I shared 12 years of life with. Things happen, and I am not approaching this in a pessimistic manner, but I am approaching it in a manner that is correlational with my feelings. It’s like a piano song. A slow, elegant, piano song. But this is what the truth is. It’s how life has turned out to be. Some say that distance doesn’t matter, and that it makes the heart grow stronger, and that it may nourish a bond…but in this case, I feel that all of that is gone. At least for me. Yes, there may be times when we talk, and there may be extremely rare occurrences when I go visit down there (every other 4 to 5 years, not event), but other than that…it is done.

I suppose that that is the life that I have to live. It is what I have to accept. Life isn’t perfect, and it never will be. I am sorry that things turned out the way they did…but there’s nothing I can do about it.

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