Today is just a painful day. I feel so dejected. The weather isn’t helping, everything is dark, cold, dry, and gray. I have no idea why I can’t ever be 100% happy, but then again I don’t think I could ever be…and I don’t think that anyone could ever be 100% happy. Maybe there is no such thing.
School is actually going good…and my relationship is going good…and my life at home is going good…but the only thing that really bothers me is this job thing. I’m so depressed because of it…I can’t even think about it without feeling like I am drowning in a black sea. I need to slap myself…someone needs to slap me. I just can’t seem to snap out of it. Things are temporary…well, most of the things in life are anyways. But everything has a solution, doesn’t it? It has to. This is only a temporary problem. When I look back and think about all the things that I have been through…all the things that I have said about overcoming struggles and finding ways to do things…I mean I suppose that it gives me hope. Doesn’t it? I wonder too much…but I like balance in my life, and the work thing is not balanced correctly. It just makes me so angry. MY situation could be worse, but it isn’t. Some out there have it way worse. I know they do.

Sometimes I wish I could just write forever and never stop. I wonder what that would be like…constantly writing and writing and writing about everything. Never stopping. I think that I would like that…at least for a tad bit. Maybe not forever though…maybe just for a few days. I think I will write every day, I have to. This is calling my name, and my mind is calling for me to write. It is time to get back to it.

I just want everything to be ok…I just want everything to be ok. It was ok…but then the work thing happened. Karma is going to happen. It always does…sooner or later. I just have to stand back and watch it happen. OH dear god…please give me the strength to get through this. It hurts a lot…I can feel my mind going numb.

Sometimes I wish people could see this. Sometimes I wish I could just share my blog with the entire world. I would like that. It’s just that they would think I was crazy. Nobody would want to be my friend…nobody would want to talk to me. Ugh. Fucking fuck.