July 13th, 2011

It’s difficult to blog about this, but I feel like I have to. I don’t really know where to begin, so I might as well be random…maybe that way things will come out while I’m writing. We all have a lot of issues, nobody is perfect. I will always remember this quote:  ”Never look up to the people who have the painted-perfect lives, because try as they might, they can never see beyond the canvas.” People will always be hurting no matter what. There will always be an issue or problem, that’s just how life is. Sometimes, we don’t have to “seek” problems, they come to us.

What I want to get at is that I don’t think I appreciate life. I should, I really should. I am not guaranteed a long life, nobody is. As much as I would like to die at 70 or 75, I don’t know if I’ll even reach 40. Nobody knows, and nobody will know. But it’s better this way. I think that if I knew when I was going to die, it would just throw everything off balance. It’s best to live day by day.

I have mentioned before that I focus too much on the negative, and when you focus on that, you forget what you have. Let me make a list of the things I wish I had: A true boyfriend, a better social life, money to travel and buy whatever I wanted, a great career, happiness, no depression, more friends, good health always, life in a more exciting place, and that my relatives (at least most of them) didn’t live in another continent.

If I focus on that list, I’m forgetting what I do have: good house, car, college, job, supportive family, few but loyal friends, comfort, food, water, a great bed, macbook, ipod, iphone, amazing wardrobe, great accessories, good looks, good personality, and more.

Not that materials are the single most important in life, but still, I know that there are a lot of people that wished they had the things I do. This is not to brag, but to merely observe that I DO have good things.

Today, while at work, there was a lady shopping around with someone in a wheelchair who was in a vegetative state. That made me realize, that even though I may or may not have something unwanted from a hook up, that I’m still alive. I’m not in that vegetative state. I have arms, legs, hands, everything. I can go outside and look at the trees, the sky, and hear the bird sings. I can sit under a tree or by a stream and read a book. I can go to Starbucks with my former English Professor and have deep, meaningful, and insightful conversations about life while having a latte…I can travel to New York City, go to the boutiques, go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and indulge my eyes in paintings and people watch, I can go to the beach and not feel insecure about my body anymore, swim in the ocean, walk on the shore, tan, I can run, walk, ride bike, listen to beautiful music (Mariah’s voice and MJ’s beats!)…I can do it all.

Yet, when you think about it, these seemingly simple activities are the by-products of happiness, like the quote says: ”Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.” As simple as these activities might be, there are people who cannot experience them. The deaf can’t hear, the blind can’t see, and the mute can’t speak. They can’t listen to Mariah or MJ, see the beauty of classical paintings, or tell someone how much they love them, let alone carry a conversation without ASL. Who am I to complain about a pimple on my face? Who am I to be ungrateful for the food that I don’t like being served at the table? Who am I to complain that the water I drink isn’t cold enough at first? In parts of Africa, there is no clean water, yet here I am, living in the USA, in the richest state (but by NO means the most fun, TRUST), and I still complain. I ought to feel ashamed.

My problem isn’t knowing this, my problem is not putting it into practice. My depression makes it really difficult for me to see the colors of the canvas. I know they are there, but I’m not making an effort to see them. Yes, people may have contributed to my depression with their deceit, backstabbing, and uncaring ways…but one day, the fog of lies will disperse, and the rays of truth will renew my strength. Karma exists. It doesn’t care if you are good or bad, it only cares about getting the job done. I shouldn’t let my happiness be affected by people that are not worth it. I should enjoy life, as I stated earlier, and enjoy the simple things. Enjoy the light the day brings, enjoy the flowers, the autumn leaves, the snow, the squirrels, birds, anything. Call me cliche and ideal, but that I’m not. Nothing is ideal. I’m simply illuminating what people forget about. When was the last time you read something like this? Maybe not so long ago, but did you remember it? Cheers if you did.

So from now on, I shouldn’t worry about the future. I should focus on the present. Live the moment, put into practice everything that I know is right for me. I shouldn’t let people get to me. I should enjoy the beauty of life, the environment, the landscape, the beautiful songs of the birds that wake me up in the morning…or do I prefer to be woken up to gunshots, screaming, or planes dropping bombs? Think about it. Remember all you have. Focus on what you HAVE, not what you DON’T have. It will drive you crazy. I have been there. I have gone days depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend, nor do I think I will find one. So? If I don’t, I’ll either adopt or have my own child. What better gift than to share all the love you can give with a child who needs it the most? It’s all about making a difference in someone’s life, and I really hope this blog entry makes a difference in your day.

I know life is hard, trust and believe. I have been in the lowest of the low: drugs, suicidal thoughts, hospital, and medication…yet, I’m still HERE. I’m still alive. I may only be 21, but I have gone through so much already…and here I am, still struggling. The struggle will continue, because that is what life is all about. He who doesn’t struggle learns nothing. Take it from me. It will get better, even if you don’t see it. Even if I encounter a gigantic difficulty or misfortune along the way, there will be a way to recover. The only two things that can defy this are destiny and fate. If my fate is to die young, so be it…but I would at least like if people remembered me as a fighter who never gave up. That’s why you have to live every day as if it’s your last. Cliche, I know, but the fact of the matter is: You don’t know when you’re going to die. You don’t know what circumstances life will throw at you. Like the commercial says: Life comes at you fast. And they’re right, you have NO idea how quickly things can change. I find it amazing.

Just be kind to others and yourself, and you will know that everything else in between will fall into place, and all the answers will unfold. Regardless of what happens to you, or to those around you, just remember one thing; life will go on, somehow.