9/27/2011

I’m sitting here in bed trying not to cry. The happiness of last week has completely faded away. Going to Storrs was a complete mistake. Not only because I met someone who I am interested in, but because I know that this is not going to go anywhere. And it also reminds me of my non-existent social life. It reminds me of how lonely I feel. I am so lonely. They say: “Never alone, but always lonely.” This is how I feel. Yes, I may be surrounded by people in class, clubs, volunteering places, the job place, and may have a family that loves me, but the fact of the matter is that I still feel lonely. My friends are distant friends, and the ones from my town go away for college, so I rarely see them. At home, it’s just my parents and I. They are boring, and never do anything.

I really dislike this place, and I want to go far, far away. But, perhaps it is not the place. Perhaps it’s me. Is it?

I am not in the mood to talk with my dad. Why is it always him I never want to talk to? I could be in a horrible mood and still talk to my mom. But my dad, never.

Today I was told that my cousin had her first baby, and again, I am reminded of how everyone is moving on with their lives, but what the fuck am I doing? This is no different than the time I found out she was pregnant. My reaction? I broke down into sobbing for a good 30 minutes. Actions speak louder than words.

Today I found out that I am not graduating in May. I have no idea how to feel. This is indeed a set back…even though I was still told that I will graduate in 2012. This isn’t because of my grades, but because I don’t have enough credits. I have always told myself that no matter how grave the crisis may seem, there will always be a way to solve it. Through my will and strength, it can be overcome. But how much strength do I have left? I’m tired of the fact that every year, something tragic happens to me. Yes, tragic may not be the same to everyone. 2008: I lost a best friend because I found out she was a fake. My social life completely died as I entered a commuting campus. My depression was born because I couldn’t tell my family that I am gay. 2009: I smoked Marijuana for the first time. Never in my life did I think that I would do drugs, but there I was, kushed the fuck out of my mind in the back of a car, not knowing what reality was, but in a time of so much uncertainty, it seemed ok to me. Life didn’t matter. When you wake up one day and wonder to yourself: How the fuck am I still here?, nothing really seems to matter. I was obsessed with death and dying. I declared to myself that I would die young. 2010: Went to a hospital after I decided that it was time to come out to my parents. What better way to do it than through a third party that tells them on the phone while I sat on a bed on suicide watch for 12 hours? Me sobbing doesn’t mean I am going to kill myself, but ya’ll now how people are in this country; you say the word “cut myself” and you are in a mental hospital for months (and yes, they can legally keep you if they decide you are not “fit” to go back to the real world-I’ve heard the stories).

2011: More depression and the Storrs Campaign. My grades dropped, and I abused alcohol and Marijuana whenever I could. I had an extremely unpleasant case where I drank myself into hysteria while blasting dark Jeffree Star songs in my room and dancing to the lights of the disco ball. When reality sucks, anything else is better. I also ended things with another best friend because he was a cancer that was contributing to this depressive madness. I also become a slut and had two STD scares. And now, my depression looms over.

I should feel glad that I am finally really busy with school, work, and activities outside of school. However, this is all work and no play. I sit in bed every Friday and Saturday night, wasting time on the internet while others are having unforgettable nights. I cannot manage my stress levels anymore. I cannot even manage my own schedule. Everything is always on the go. I am eating poorly. My life has become nearly unmanageable. I am always busy at all times, and I feel like a workaholic.

Yet, I want a boyfriend more than ever. How crazy is that? That would take a lot of time and energy from me…but I still want one. This is the most deepest of desires.

I always say that Providence keeps saving me time after time. When a “tragedy” occurs, I come out of it. Am I unscathed in the long run? Perhaps. But the scars are there, and even though time works wonders, they still hurt, and they will always sting periodically. I am human, and I hurt like the rest of you.

When will my happiness come? I am not selfish, but in all honesty, when everyone around me is happy except for me, is that something that you can thank Providence for? It keeps saving me, but this only prolongs my existence, and the unhappiness that comes with it.

What do I do? What can I do? I feel trapped. I feel like a bird with broken wings trapped in a cage. What is left for me? I am tired of the monotony. I always say expect the unexpected, but I feel that in life, at least mine, everything ought to be expected in the end. I have come SUCH a long way…from being the kid in elementary school who was called a faggot multiple times, didn’t talk to anyone, and had no friends…to someone that people look forward to and enjoy hanging out with.

And the sad part is: I only want that special someone. That would make me happy, genuinely happy. I am not a user, and I know I can’t rely on people to make me happy, and I shouldn’t, but when everyone else around you has someone special and you are exposed to it daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, it’s legitimate TORTURE.

I am not saying others don’t deserve to be happy, but I would like to say that MY happiness counts too. I don’t care if I’m poor and living under a bridge, or working some stupid retail job to save my ass from going homeless…if I have that special person that I have yearned for for such a long time, it wouldn’t be that bad. I am not codependent, but I am loving and passionate person. I want to share that with someone. I want to love and be loved. I want to give my heart and soul to that other special someone. I am not looking to settle for anything with just anyone. I am looking for the real thing, but like I’ve been told many times: I think I’m the only person my age who wants the real thing and not slut things up.  When you have waited for some time, it gets exhausting. I really think I was born to love someone…and I have so much love inside of me, I have no idea how to express it…it gets awkward.

Every day, when I wake up, I wonder how much more strength I have left. I am afraid that life is going to end up badly for me, somehow. I see nothing but gray clouds. I no longer know where this ship is going, I just know that it is stranded, floating aimlessly in the silent, dark blue sea of dark skies.

This is me being raw, this is me being me. I am never afraid to show who I am and how I feel, and for that, you can either admire or hate me: I don’t care, and never will. I’d rather have everyone hate me than be someone who I am not. See, when you’re true to yourself, the opinion of other people will never matter, “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” Will God redeem me in the end? Will I achieve my one true dream in life? Despite everything that has happened…I’m still here. I guess that’s all I can say in the end: I’ll be here still. I’m all I’ve got.

9/23/2011

for some strange reason I feel extremely hopeful and sort of happy. I feel like everything is going to be ok and that I am going to be getting a bf soon. delusion? reality? I have no idea. But this is scary nevertheless. It’s new…sort of. I just don’t know. I have been advised to go with the flow. I guess that I will have to, I have no other choice.

fight and be strong.

July 13th, 2011

July 13th, 2011

It’s difficult to blog about this, but I feel like I have to. I don’t really know where to begin, so I might as well be random…maybe that way things will come out while I’m writing. We all have a lot of issues, nobody is perfect. I will always remember this quote:  ”Never look up to the people who have the painted-perfect lives, because try as they might, they can never see beyond the canvas.” People will always be hurting no matter what. There will always be an issue or problem, that’s just how life is. Sometimes, we don’t have to “seek” problems, they come to us.

What I want to get at is that I don’t think I appreciate life. I should, I really should. I am not guaranteed a long life, nobody is. As much as I would like to die at 70 or 75, I don’t know if I’ll even reach 40. Nobody knows, and nobody will know. But it’s better this way. I think that if I knew when I was going to die, it would just throw everything off balance. It’s best to live day by day.

I have mentioned before that I focus too much on the negative, and when you focus on that, you forget what you have. Let me make a list of the things I wish I had: A true boyfriend, a better social life, money to travel and buy whatever I wanted, a great career, happiness, no depression, more friends, good health always, life in a more exciting place, and that my relatives (at least most of them) didn’t live in another continent.

If I focus on that list, I’m forgetting what I do have: good house, car, college, job, supportive family, few but loyal friends, comfort, food, water, a great bed, macbook, ipod, iphone, amazing wardrobe, great accessories, good looks, good personality, and more.

Not that materials are the single most important in life, but still, I know that there are a lot of people that wished they had the things I do. This is not to brag, but to merely observe that I DO have good things.

Today, while at work, there was a lady shopping around with someone in a wheelchair who was in a vegetative state. That made me realize, that even though I may or may not have something unwanted from a hook up, that I’m still alive. I’m not in that vegetative state. I have arms, legs, hands, everything. I can go outside and look at the trees, the sky, and hear the bird sings. I can sit under a tree or by a stream and read a book. I can go to Starbucks with my former English Professor and have deep, meaningful, and insightful conversations about life while having a latte…I can travel to New York City, go to the boutiques, go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and indulge my eyes in paintings and people watch, I can go to the beach and not feel insecure about my body anymore, swim in the ocean, walk on the shore, tan, I can run, walk, ride bike, listen to beautiful music (Mariah’s voice and MJ’s beats!)…I can do it all.

Yet, when you think about it, these seemingly simple activities are the by-products of happiness, like the quote says: ”Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.” As simple as these activities might be, there are people who cannot experience them. The deaf can’t hear, the blind can’t see, and the mute can’t speak. They can’t listen to Mariah or MJ, see the beauty of classical paintings, or tell someone how much they love them, let alone carry a conversation without ASL. Who am I to complain about a pimple on my face? Who am I to be ungrateful for the food that I don’t like being served at the table? Who am I to complain that the water I drink isn’t cold enough at first? In parts of Africa, there is no clean water, yet here I am, living in the USA, in the richest state (but by NO means the most fun, TRUST), and I still complain. I ought to feel ashamed.

My problem isn’t knowing this, my problem is not putting it into practice. My depression makes it really difficult for me to see the colors of the canvas. I know they are there, but I’m not making an effort to see them. Yes, people may have contributed to my depression with their deceit, backstabbing, and uncaring ways…but one day, the fog of lies will disperse, and the rays of truth will renew my strength. Karma exists. It doesn’t care if you are good or bad, it only cares about getting the job done. I shouldn’t let my happiness be affected by people that are not worth it. I should enjoy life, as I stated earlier, and enjoy the simple things. Enjoy the light the day brings, enjoy the flowers, the autumn leaves, the snow, the squirrels, birds, anything. Call me cliche and ideal, but that I’m not. Nothing is ideal. I’m simply illuminating what people forget about. When was the last time you read something like this? Maybe not so long ago, but did you remember it? Cheers if you did.

So from now on, I shouldn’t worry about the future. I should focus on the present. Live the moment, put into practice everything that I know is right for me. I shouldn’t let people get to me. I should enjoy the beauty of life, the environment, the landscape, the beautiful songs of the birds that wake me up in the morning…or do I prefer to be woken up to gunshots, screaming, or planes dropping bombs? Think about it. Remember all you have. Focus on what you HAVE, not what you DON’T have. It will drive you crazy. I have been there. I have gone days depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend, nor do I think I will find one. So? If I don’t, I’ll either adopt or have my own child. What better gift than to share all the love you can give with a child who needs it the most? It’s all about making a difference in someone’s life, and I really hope this blog entry makes a difference in your day.

I know life is hard, trust and believe. I have been in the lowest of the low: drugs, suicidal thoughts, hospital, and medication…yet, I’m still HERE. I’m still alive. I may only be 21, but I have gone through so much already…and here I am, still struggling. The struggle will continue, because that is what life is all about. He who doesn’t struggle learns nothing. Take it from me. It will get better, even if you don’t see it. Even if I encounter a gigantic difficulty or misfortune along the way, there will be a way to recover. The only two things that can defy this are destiny and fate. If my fate is to die young, so be it…but I would at least like if people remembered me as a fighter who never gave up. That’s why you have to live every day as if it’s your last. Cliche, I know, but the fact of the matter is: You don’t know when you’re going to die. You don’t know what circumstances life will throw at you. Like the commercial says: Life comes at you fast. And they’re right, you have NO idea how quickly things can change. I find it amazing.

Just be kind to others and yourself, and you will know that everything else in between will fall into place, and all the answers will unfold. Regardless of what happens to you, or to those around you, just remember one thing; life will go on, somehow.

The Dead Leaf

I walk through the woods,

Not knowing where I’m going.

I stop here and there,

I look for hope everywhere.

I see a rose, and I pick it up,

I start to bleed from its picky thorns.

I see a frog, but won’t pick it up,

It’s colors spell poison.

I stumble upon a tree,

Its leafs all gone.

I look at the ground, so dead and brown,

I pick up a leaf and turn it over,

Nothing but colors of death bestowed upon it.

Michael Jackson: His gift to the world.

Few artist achieve the greatness that the King of Pop achieved. What few artists have achieved in a lifetime, Michael has done in a few years. Such success is evident in his masterpiece album “Thriller”. Thriller remains the best selling album of all time with more than 110 million copies sold worldwide, and earned Michael eight Grammy Awards.

When I think of Michael, I think of a special being…a being that wanted nothing but world peace. These days, pop music is nothing but gimmick which is fun to sing and dance to (this is coming from a Pop music lover). Michael’s music is not only pop music, but messages from his heart. Songs such as “Heal the World”, “Black or White”, “Man in the Mirror”, “They don’t care about us”, “Money” and countless others are his way of telling the world his various values and positions in issues ranging from charity, race equality, injustice, cruelty, love, hope, and change for a better future. Michael believed in a better future, and his music is a testament of such beliefs. He knew that by uniting everyone through the power of meaningful music change was possible.

One of my favorite songs is “Earth Song”. This powerful ballad produces chills all over my body. This is Michael’s plead for a better world. It is a warning to humanity regarding the destruction that we are all inflicting upon the Earth for our own greedy benefits.

Through the years, Michael’s appearance changed. His true fans should respect his privacy and ask no questions regarding such change. It is none of our business. Michael was Michael. With or without surgery. Light skin tone or dark skin tone. Everything happens for a reason. Michael knew that he was under constant scrutiny from the media and other individuals. How did he respond? He recorded music. Songs such as “Leave me alone”, “Tabloid Junkie”, and “Privacy” were a direct warning to those who made up lies and stories about him to obtain good publicity. Such lies were fabricated to sell them to the tabloids and hurt Michael. Like he said, “Anything for money.”

It amazes me how people still speak negatively about Michael. He is dead. He has passed. He is in a better place now. He is no longer tormented by your disgusting ignorant judgement. Leave him alone. His true fans know who he was as a person and knew that he would never commit any indecent acts. We always stuck by him and defended him whenever anything negative came up. You are a true Michael fan when you get into fights with your family members or your best friends because they mention something negative about him and you stand up for the truth. All we must do is ignore the ignorance and hate that many people have. I feel sorry for those who cannot find it in themselves to leave Michael alone and to open their hearts to his good music and wonderful messages contained within them. Are these people forgetting how noble he was?

As fans, we must remember that Michael did not have a childhood. He was treated horribly by his own father. Can a childhood consist of constant beatings, recording in the studio, and performing on stage? I’m afraid not. I believe that childhoods should be filled with love and fun. A child needs these things to be happy during one of the most magical times of life. The song “Childhood” is Michael’s response to those who do not understand his past. “It’s in my fate to compensate for the childhood I’ve never known…” Nobody can judge Michael because nobody but himself knew what he went through in his personal life.

Michael loved his fans very much and I know for a fact we were his beloved army who faught against those who were malicious towards him. Truth be told, I am sure 99% of his fans did not know him personally, so how are we to know that he is innocent? How are to know the pure truth if we were never living with him? I don’t have the answer to that. However, I do know that his music is his way of telling us who he is. We do not need to know Michael personally because he has made us know his true self through his music. Perhaps that is why we know the truth, because we carefully listen to his music and pay attention to the melody and the words and the beautiful messages that some of his songs convey. That is why we love him so much and why we miss him. Michael IS a world humanitarian and a hero to all of his fans. His music will live on forever.

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