February 4th, 2012

You would think that everything is ok because in reality, my life is ok. But I am never mentally ok. Never. There is always something that is bothering me.

Sitting here in this dim light seems like a prison. But it’s not a prison. The music is really miserable and melancholic. I feel like someone sitting alone in a bar just ordering drink after drink after drink. Alcohol is a depressant after all.

But anyways, I feel like everything is just a roller coaster. One day I want to die, the next I want to live, the next day I don’t care what happens, the next day I am excited for the future. It fucking sucks. It’s a fucking mess. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even want to be here anymore, not by myself. Yesterday was a good day. I need more of those. But honestly, that is not going to happen every day. How am I supposed to have fun? I hate it.

I wish I could erase my memory and forget about everything that happened at Storrs. I want to even forget that it exists. I should have never gone. I mean really, I should have never gone. I should have never fucking gone, never. It even fucked up my grades too. No amount of social experience is something that should affect my grades. I hate it. Seriously.

But all these self help books and all these thoughts and going to the gym and all that. I know that nothing comes easy. I know that nothing comes from one day to the next. All things come in due time. They say. But I just want everything to happen all at once. I just want all my happiness to manifest itself immediately and so I would never have to worry about anything ever again. I fucking hate it, because I know for a fact that this is not going to happen. I know that there are going to be some days where I just feel like killing myself and that I cannot continue with life. But maybe one day I will be able to overcome this. Will I? Will one day actually be my last? Will I actually have the guts to just kill myself if things don’t work? I have been directly warned that if I continue to feed on to my fears, they will turn into self fulfilling prophecies. Ha. The last thing I needed to hear. But maybe the only thing that I needed to hear. Maybe the one thing that needed to wake me up from this nightmare. Yes, I am better. I have been a bit better. I have even noticed such changes. But still. There are desires. There are those reminders of the broken dreams, broken promises, and disappointments from people. I am still jaded. I wish that I had never gotten into a relationship with him. I can’t EVEN type his name. I can’t. Doing that is way too painful. Yet some have said that he may come back. I don’t think so, though. I really don’t. By the time, (if, that is one big if) he may come back, which I don’t think he will, I will have moved on. Or will I? Will I? Is hope delusion? Is it? They say that it is, but some say that it isn’t. Yet, I know that I need to be positive.

So why am I even doing this still? Why don’t I just simply off myself? I am tired of asking myself the same question day after day after day. It gets so tiring. It all gets so damn tiring. Seriously. I have only such strength left in me. That I have no idea what I would do. I just want everything to be cured. I just want everything to go away. All the pain, suffering, dis-illusionmnents, disappointments, everything. All the bad people.

I just feel so dull. I hate this place. But I can’t leave. I honestly cannot leave. I do not have the money. Or the grades? Should I even worry? Should I EVEN care? Like. I don’t know.

Diary, for once, seriously, for ONCE, truly: I do not know what to say anymore. I really don’t. You know how much I love you. You know how much I have turned to you for comfort in times of grief. You know how many times I have come to you. You have never turned me away. You have always listened, silently. You have always tolerated everything I have said, no matter how delusional or pathetic or overdramatic it may have sounded. You really are the only one that has bared everything. My darkest and most hateful thoughts. But now, there is nothing left to say. I believe i have exhausted my words, and my thoughts. I am not sure which is worse. You know the answer, don’t you? I wish I could know what to say. But as I sit here and type away, typing away meaningless words to continue moving my fingers and to continue to make this entry as long as I want it to…it’s useless! It’s so useless. I have said that my purpose in life is to help people. Yes. I know this. But…I can’t even help myself. All I want is happiness. That’s it. I don’t care how it comes, but I want it. Isn’t it funny? I don’t care how happiness comes, but I want it. I’m not sure.

This is it. I have nothing else to say. I am so sorry. I want to thank you for everything. For absolutely everything. Yes. I am blessed to have been able to write everything on here. I really am. But now, as my thoughts expire and my mind runs low in energy and common sense, I have nothing else to say. The depression is looming. It always is. It’s here. Invisibly. It’s still here but I cannot see it. It hasn’t completely retired just yet. But maybe I hope that one day it will. Really. I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I’m sorry that I have nothing else to say. I am sorry that I have absolutely no more thoughts and nothing else. I will now stop stalling this entry and end it. I am sorry, once again. I have said it all, haven’t I? I have said it all one hundred million times. I no longer need to repeat myself. For there is nothing new and nothing good to say.

I love you, always. Clearly. Forever. However you want to define it. So thank you. And yeah. Fuck people, fuck society, fuck depression, fuck those who have hurt me, and fuck this place. And fuck every single person that has hurt me and has broken my heart. I wish them nothing. I wish them absolutely fucking nothing. Karma is going to take care of them. I fucking know it (my god, I fucking don’t know shit anymore, I never did). I only want it to happen. But I don’t know that it will. But then again, you already knew everything in this last paragraph already.

bye.

2011: Lessons Learned

Every December, I write a “Lessons Learned” entry. Basically, I list everything that I learned that year and elaborate on it. This year is no different, but instead of just making a numbered list, I’m going to do it by months. No, don’t worry, it won’t be a lesson for each month. It will be a lesson from a cluster of months. That makes it more effective because it can accurately illustrate, through writing, the collective lesson that I learned. So before I dive into it, I will include a short “foreword”.

Coming into 2011, I had no idea what to expect. All I know is that I wanted it to be the best year of my life, and I was going to make everything possible to make it so. 2010 was depressing and filled with a lot of angst. Depression, suicidal tendencies, feelings of entrapment, wanting to escape, coming out at home, and being hospitalized. I vowed to make 2011 the best year I could, because I kept telling myself: “At the end of the storm, is a golden sky.” 2010 was the worst storm I have endured in my life, and somehow, I wanted 2011 to be the rainbow that came after it. However, I had no idea that I was in for a deranged ride.
The main event of this year was me living at Storrs. I knew that a new world of possibilities and social scenarios awaited me. However, nothing could have prepared me for what followed suit. So without further delays, I will now revisit the divergent journey that was 2011.

January, February, and March
I settled in Storrs January 17th, 2011. I was excited to be on my own, and I didn’t really feel any fear. I was terrified of not making friends. Luckily, I had three people I already knew, as well as high school friends. Still, it was hard to connect with people. I dreaded eating alone at the dinning halls, and felt like I had already made a mistake by coming there. To make matters absolutely worse, the winter was the worst one yet. Nothing but snow and freezing cold. Classes were cancelled numerous times, and I was left with nothing to do. I spent many lonely days walking in the snow, and the bitter cold of winter made me an even bitter person. Everywhere I walked, I was a pathetic yet mysteriously stylish figure in my top buttoned down coat and my heavy Polo rain boots. I also lost a lot of weight because the nerves kept up with me. I didn’t meet people until I started visiting the Rainbow Center. Yes, I was warned many times not to go there, but curiosity killed the cat. I met some great people with amazing personalities, and for that I am grateful. I also met some people that can only be described as belonging to the bottom of the scum of the earth. I experienced something more dramatic than a Parisian Opera. However, I will not complain, because I was warned after all. From this I learned that I have to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me. Like I’ve said, people don’t like those who stand up for themselves. There was a lot of jealousy because I knew who I was, and I was confident in myself. Maybe one day, these people can learn how to love themselves too.
After the drama, I decided to distance myself from the RC. Around March, I began to be a complete loner. Apart from occasional lunches and dinners with some friends, I spent the days going to class, doing work, and walking around campus. Being by myself allowed me to look deep within and ask: “Who are you and what do you want?” I learned that I am someone that is to be respected. I learned that I will never let people use me and walk all over me again. I also learned to be cautious, because no matter what people tell me, there ARE evil people out there who are immature and whose only intentions are to ruin others. However, at the same time, I learned that there are also good people who, even though they have their own flaws, have good intentions. Going through drama at the RC opened up my eyes to human nature. I can honestly say, without any doubt in my mind, that young gay men are the most dramatic group of people on earth. More dramatic than teenage girls, and more dramatic than wealthy housewives. You wouldn’t agree with me unless you experienced it. Some people are crazy, and touched in the head.
Even though I made some mistakes, such as opening my mouth to speak when I shouldn’t have, or messing around with other guys sexually, I can’t really regret it. Those were choices, and I consciously made them.
Being at Storrs changed me. Even though I transferred back because I couldn’t handle the social distractions and the way classes were taught (horrible professors), it made me tougher than I thought it would. I now appreciate being at home, working all year round, and most of all: saving thousands of dollars. But even so, I have now built a “reputation” of being someone not to mess with. Not because I will “beat you up” or “get you jumped”, but because I actually defend myself and am very vocal about it. All in all, I am a fighter, and I can’t let people who have no class and no intrinsic sense of self bring me down. I am who I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My skin is a lot thicker now that I experienced this.

April, May
As the Storrs campaign came to an end, I looked forward to summer. I saw it as my “salvation” from this storm. I lamented not having the best time I could have at Storrs, but at the end of the semester, I realized: “I chose to come here, nobody forced me. I have to deal with it and learn from it.” Going back home never felt better. I did cry a lot because I would deeply miss my new made friends, but like most things in life, all good things must come to an end. The transition from winter to spring was rough because the weather couldn’t make up its mind. Still, I hung on, waiting for May 7th. The last few days were bittersweet, and I have absolutely no idea how I didn’t fail anything. My grades were mediocre to say the least, but still, I made it.
Looking back at the series of blog entries called “The Storrs Diaries”, my mind went through some dark periods. Not only periods of darkness, but of conflict and loneliness. Maybe one day I’ll publish them. They’re powerful.
I also felt that everyone in my family was moving forward except for me. I broke down several times, trying to put it past me, but at the end of the day it always caught up with me. I have learned that life is not a competition. You can focus on your goals day by day, and if you compare yourself to others, you aren’t left with any motivation. Motivation has to come from within. YOU are the reason why you want to succeed.
I also learned that taking risks in life is good. If I hadn’t come to Storrs, I wouldn’t have experienced anything. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, and I wouldn’t have come out a stronger and more firm person. I have no words to describe the madness that is Storrs, I truly don’t. But all I know is that it allowed me to see human nature at its ugliest, most darkest form. Still, I am a stronger person with a stronger mind. I know what I want out of life.
Storrs taught me that nothing, and I mean nothing, is ideal. Storrs itself isn’t ideal. I thought it would provide me with the social life I desired for so long, but even so, it proved to be too much. I came to the conclusion that UConn Storrs is overrated. I was more than happy to close the Storrs chapter forever, and ended with these words:

“3 months ago I happily embarked on a crusade to divide and conquer. However, things did not have an entirely favorable outcome and did not turn out as expected. And now, I return home. I left home in a happy mood, and I am now returning in a happy mood. Oddly, that makes perfect sense, even though the reasons behind the happiness contradict each other and vary in contrast. Ah, life, what an ironic trip or paradox.”

June, July, August
Summer was supposed to be the Heaven after the Inferno. In a way, it was. However, I had to deal with a certain problem: STD scares. This was a consequence from my days of being active with other guys. Even though everything turned out to be ok in the end, I learned that I am not a slut. I compromised my morals and values at Storrs so that I could fulfill my lustful desires, and it wasn’t worth it. I made the conscious decision to be like this, and that is how I payed the price. No one-night stand is worth the absolute torment and agony that results from thinking you have a sexually transmitted disease. Playing russian roulette is not worth it for a few minutes of pleasure. I am a romantic, and I’d rather make love instead of having a meaningless hook up. I consciously crashed myself into a brick wall of pain, and that was the only way for me to learn. I also gave up online dating. I am convinced that I won’t be meeting anyone special on these sites, no matter how “decent” they are advertised to be. Nothing but failures. I don’t keep in touch with anyone that I have met through them. I learned that what they say is true: People on the internet are strange and frightening. This caused me to be depressed. I spent the entire summer lamenting the fact that I would never meet a decent guy. However, I was repeatedly told that it would happen when I wasn’t looking or expecting it. I remained incredulous.
After this torment passed, I slowly but surely discovered that summer wasn’t going to be anything special. No social life or fun awaited me. I made the best of this and enrolled in a gym. I never thought I would, but I did. This made me feel better and helped reduce a lot of depression. I learned that physical activity combats depression on a massive scale.
I also participated in a lot of outdoor activities. Trail walking and discovering new places made summer very special to me because not only was I in touch with nature, but ultimately, in touch with myself. We come from the earth.
Beach trips also helped me distract my mind from the ordinary life I had at home. I learned that I have to be comfortable in my own body, because if I’m not, I will ultimately never be comfortable with myself.
This summer taught me that even though I had no social life, I still had to pre occupy myself with activities and things that interested me. I learned that I hate not being pro active, and that I constantly need to be busy. Otherwise, the depression will slowly creep back in.
I like to call this summer, “The Summer of Nature”. And I will happily remember walking on trails with my parents.

September, October, November, December
As I stared my “old life” again in the commuting branch campus, I wondered how I was going to make it through the semester without letting depression annihilate me. I told myself that I would do homework outside my house, and I would sit at bookstores and coffee shops, indulging in readings and other school work. I also hoped that this way, I would meet someone the old fashioned way. I thought that things wouldn’t be so bad because my grandparents were visiting for three months.
My life changed one day when I decided to visit Storrs. I’d like to say that I actually didn’t want to go visit (sorry dears). The reason is that I didn’t want to relive the pain and suffering. Yes, I wanted to see my friends again, but something about going there made me feel uneasy. To make a long story short, I met someone who would later be my boyfriend for almost two months. This would be my first “real life” relationship, as I’ve had flings and online relationships before. Words can’t describe how magical it felt. I was at home. I was at peace. The depression went away. I can honestly say that I never thought it would happen. I was shocked, but in a good way. At first, it was magic. We decided to work with the distance, and for once in my life, I romanticized that I was being saved by an angel. I had never been so happy. He wasn’t like any guy that I had met before. He was different..or so I thought. But like any relationship, complications came. Even though I was sort of blindsided (because I will admit to myself that I wasn’t 100% blindsided, I saw it coming but refused to believe), he ended it short of our two months. And I thought it would last long. After everything we said to each other, I learned that I was just another promise that he couldn’t keep, and it wasn’t my loss. I will leave it at that.
Even though I was a complete mess for the first two and a half days, I slowly began to snap out of it. This made me realize a few things: People were actually right! This happened when I wasn’t expecting it. What a pleasant surprise. Although he is different from most guys, he still had his flaws. We all do. I learned that now I officially know what I want in a man. Even though he didn’t have everything I look for, the majority of things made up for what he lacked. Again, I am not going to divulge the details because I have respect for myself and the private affairs of my life. It is none of my business how he choses to act after this, and it is none of my business how he decides to carry himself as a gay young man in a world full of immaturity, drama, and promiscuity. However, it is my business how I carry myself into this world. I will continue to honor my values and morals. I will continue to improve myself as a person, and I will continue to admit to my flaws that need fixing.
From this short relationship, I learned that I am too young to be worrying about certain things. I learned that I spend too much time being negative and obsessively worrying about things. These are the things that cause my depression. Instead, I should live my life. I should live in the moment. I should sing, dance, and do whatever I want to enjoy myself and the life that I have been given.
I also learned that maybe at this time, I couldn’t handle a relationship because it did bring me a lot of stress and anxiety. So in a way, I have to thank him for making me realize it. I am not going to be a slut, and I am not going to be reckless, because that is NOT who I am. I am a person of dignity and respect. Yes, I have my moments of anger and trash talk, but who doesn’t?
I want to hate the shit out of you for breaking my heart (because it’s not chipped, it’s not cracked: it’s shattered), but one day, I’ll be grateful. Why? Because it was a lesson learned. So thank you for the good times, and thank you for giving me the amount of affection that you gave me, even though it wasn’t as much as I gave you. After all, this was your first relationship.

Just when I thought the year was over and my life wouldn’t dramatically change any further, something happened: I went to group therapy. This was my first ever group therapy. I was the youngest at 22, and everyone else in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Never have I felt so sick and ashamed to complain about the things I complain about. I now know that even though I do have problems, they are not tragedies, and they pale in comparison to what these people have and are going through. I am so thankful for having participated in it, and to have seen and heard the things I did. I have never been so moved in my ENTIRE life. I know I just wrote about it, and you can read everything I said in it. But truly, I am a changed man. This couldn’t have happened at a better time. A time where I was depressed and thought about ending it all because the supposed man of my dreams left me. This is not the case. I am much too young. I have so much to go through, and like a wise person told me, there are greater and more drastic pains coming my way.

2011 was a year of enlightenment. Despite all the darkness and depression, I have once again emerged unscathed (because let’s face it, I am unscathed). I may have some scars, but those are the lessons that I learned.
I learned to differentiate between being conceited and knowing your self worth. I am a great person. I am loving, kind, giving, compassionate, empathetic, caring, brave, and a fighter. I have this “joke” where I call myself Prince Charming. Even though I have my many flaws, I still think I am. Once I tackle my issues and over come them (because I will over come them), I will become an even better man. Of this I am very certain. I still have a lot of growing up and developing to do. We are always growing and learning.
Three of the most important lessons I learned this year are 1. Life is not ideal. 2. There are no certainties in life. 3. Expect the unexpected.
Thank you, 2011, for changing my life. And I would also like to thank everyone, yes, everyone (including the most evil people I met) for having changed me as a person. I now realize that friends come and go, but ONLY the good and genuine ones will stick through your lifetime.
One of the most difficult decisions I had to make was completely cutting ties with my former best friend. This person was a cancer that only enabled me to be depressed and suicidal, and one day in April, I said to myself: “Enough is enough. Time to empower myself and stand up for what I think is right and healthy for me.”
I ended our 4 year friendship. I always complained and moaned because people would stop being friends with me, but now I understood that some friendships don’t last forever. I am HAPPY with my decision, because now I am a less depressed person. I enjoy life more. So thank you for the good times, the memories, the endless dialogue, and for actually understanding me as a person and for allowing me to tell you the most deepest, darkest, and most disturbing secrets of my life that I will never tell anyone else. Thank you, truly. Even if you hate me, I wish you peace and happiness in your life.
I also learned that as great as I am (self worth people, self worth), not everyone is going to like me. There will always be insecure and jealous people who are still learning who they are. It’s ok if people don’t like me, I can live with it. I promise that I won’t lose sleep over it. Life introduces you to people for a reason and removes them for an even better reason.

As always, thank you to my family for being there for me no matter what. My parents and my brother and my grandparents from both sides of the family. THANK YOU. Know that even though I may have been extremely distant at times, my love and loyalty for you never wavered. Please understand that I am deeply complex person, and that I need a lot of time to myself to heal and understand what is going on in my head.
Also, thank you to my close friends (which aren’t many, ha) for being there for me. Without your support and love, I wouldn’t be here today. Thank you for being in this crazy ride with me, I feel a lot better.

I enter 2012 not expecting anything, because that is the best way to live life. I will live day by day, making the best of it. Sure, I want good and happy things to happen to me, but in the meantime, I have to make sure that I am happy with myself. The self can’t be without the self, and if you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of others. I am not naive, I am not stupid. I may give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am cautious, because based on past experience, there are bad people out there. I don’t care what anyone says, you cannot take that away from me because you haven’t lived it. I used to trust, trust, trust, and trust and never give people the benefit of the doubt. What was the result? I got disrespected and walked all over. Even though Karma will take care of those people, I don’t want to live through it again. I am not saying that I will not trust people and give them chances, I will. But now I will do it with more logic and caution.

Before I close, I would like to take a quick moment to talk about music. Ever since Michael Jackson passed, Mariah Carey has become the number one musical and artistic influence in my life. I want to thank her because she has a song for everything, and she has helped me overcome the difficult times in my life this year. I love every song of hers because her voice is in them. Her life and work are both a masterpiece that will always be remembered. I know that I will never stop listening to her. Her music has the power to heal. Thank you Mariah, for getting me out of the gutter and allowing me to look beyond the stars.

I will close this tumultuous but life changing year with a quote. There were SO many good quotes this year, including “My secret? I’m going to forget about everyone who has once hurt me, broken me down, and made me feel worthless. Because guess what? You don’t deserve me. Your words mean nothing. I’m finally going to be happy.” and “You think you are nothing. You think that nobody loves you. You think that it will be easier just to die. Think again. To someone, you are everything. Somebody loves you. Somebody would die without you. Think about that.” and ”Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.” AND ”Don’t lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.” AND ”Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift that’s why they call it the present.” AND “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” AND finally “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”

I also came up with my own: “The only relationship that will last for a lifetime is the one with yourself.”

Yes, I have learned from each and every one of these quotes. But as I enter 2012 with a smile, I will not have a “final word” or an afterword, but simply end with this:

“Absolutely no regrets, only choices. Because at the end of the day, I can sit here and say: ‘I’ve made my own.’ “

December 10th, 2011. Group Therapy.

Today I went to my first ever group therapy. I was the youngest at 22. The rest were in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Maybe one in their 30s. The way it works is that the person tells the therapist their family story and he draws a genealogical chart. Then, the method of regression is used and the person picks out people from the group to represent members of their family. The people who participate tell their emotions and what they feel as they are standing in the position the person placed them in.

It wasn’t working out at first. It was just boring and uninteresting. But then, something happened. People’s problems started to emerge. These weren’t just problems, these were flat out tragedies. This is when I started to realize that I was in for a rude awakening.

There were people who had lost their mothers, fathers, and even children. Someone was abused by their alcoholic father, while their mother was a manic depressed woman who constantly wanted to kill herself. I have never been so shocked in my entire life.

When my turn came, I broke down. I don’t mind crying in front of people, but I just felt this deep and intense knot in my chest that just needed healing. Although my problem wasn’t 100% resolved, I traced my depression to where it came from. That’s private information, so I won’t say anything. But all I can say is that I am now a changed man. After 6 hours and 30 minutes of session (from 10AM to 4:30PM), I emerged a different person. Funny how I’ve been in individual therapy for 2 years now. And yes, I did learn a lot, but nothing…I repeat, NOTHING could have prepared me for this. 6 hours and 30 minutes with all strangers is what it took to change my perspective on life. In 6 hours and 30 minutes, these people achieved something that in 2 years, 1 psychotherapy and 2 counselors couldn’t.

The things that I heard were so disturbing and dark, that it pales in comparison to my life. True, these people are much older than I. But I remember telling myself: “For someone my age, I have been through hell and back.” I was wrong. Yes, it was tough, but it wasn’t hell. I was never abused, never had alcoholism in the family, no suicides, didn’t lose my parents when I was young, had my mom have miscarriages. Nothing like that. These problems aren’t problems, but tragedies. I keep remembering how I say that my problems are “tragedies” and that my life itself is “tragic.” I am SO sick and ashamed at myself for thinking this way. I am SO sorry. I wanted to apologize to these people for doing this, but instead, I went out with honor and said: “Coming into this…I didn’t know what to expect. This is my first ever group therapy. And I just wanted to thank you all so much for sharing your stories and helping me learn. We are always learning, and we are always growing. I am so moved and thankful for being able to have taken part in this. You are all such good and wonderful people.”
A lady who is very Catholic was the one who started to initiate the applause. She later came up to me, with tears in her eyes, and said: “You are so brave to come out here and share your life. You are bright, intelligent, young man. You are very charismatic and one day, you are going to change the world. I can see you helping people and being a psychologist. You will especially be in my prayers.”
Even though I am not religious, that moment became one of the most important moments in my life. Not because some random person gave me a compliment, but because someone who I would never expect to tell me such thing (a devoted Catholic woman in her 70s…) not only reaffirmed my mission in life, but looked at me with respect, compassion, care, and love. She looked at me not as a gay man who struggles with depression and struggled with suicide years ago, but as a HUMAN. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and bid her goodbyes.

I am now convinced more than ever that there are GOOD people out there who are CARING and LOVING and empathetic towards others. I have never felt happier in my entire life. This experience is the beginning of a new me. A person who appreciates life, and even though my situation may not be as favorable as I want it to be, I must remember this: someone out there is going through pure hell.
My faith in humanity was reborn today. I will now devote my life to making people as happy as possible. That has been my goal for a long time, and I will continue to pursue it.

I am so thankful for today. It changed my life. It changed it forever. Whenever I feel depressed, I will remember this day. I will make the most out of life, because that is the purpose of life: make the most out of it.
You only get one life that we know of, so make it WORTH IT.
These series of events, going to Uconn Storrs, meeting the people that I did (both good and bad), spending summer in solitude and with nature, just realizing so many things about people, and going through a break up, have really made 2011 a year of change and maturation.

Nothing in life is certain except for death. There are no guarantees. But I know that it is up to me to continue the fight and continue the struggle. I will be ok. I am going to be ok. No pain, no gain.

It’s a new year, and with it, comes new life and new rules. And with a smile on my face, I say: Onward.

I’ll be out from under soon.

Today is a new day. I decided that no more tears. I should save them for something and someone who is worth it and values me.

Counseling went very well. I realized that I need to move on, and that he wasn’t right for me. He gave me no affection, and I put in more than he did into the relationship. If he wants to go around being a slut, then so be it. I will never succumb to that disgusting reputation. I don’t care.

I will learn from this, and I know that someone better will come along. I still think he made a mistake, but I can’t turn back time. This is a life lesson. I don’t understand it now, and I don’t see it, but one day I will. And I will know that it was for the better. Things do happen for a reason. I don’t care what people say. My life so far is evidence that things do happen so I can learn and move on. Right now it may not be my time to be with someone. People my age are still growing. I’m still growing, but I am ahead of most others. I’m an old soul. And I know for a fact that I will accept nothing less than to be respected and valued for the person I am.

He may come around they tell me, but that makes no sense. If he dumped me that means he doesn’t have what I want. And he can’t give me what I need. I gave, he didn’t. I tried, he failed.

“So watch me now, and I’ll be someone new. My heart will be unbroken, it will open up for everyone but you.”

Your Loss.

Your loss.

Today I realized that it’s his loss for breaking up with me. I may have my flaws of being negative, worrying too much, and uncertain, but guess what? I’m a great person. I’m a great guy. You blew it. I realize that I may have contributed to it, but if you were TRUE, you would have stuck through it and helped me, like you said you would. I certainly tolerated you being “happy” 24/7 and not being as affectionate as I was towards you. I know I put in more effort into this than you did.

So it’s your loss for leaving me. I hope you are happy with your decision. And hopefully you won’t regret it. I will find someone that does appreciate me fully and is willing to BE THERE for me through all my flaws, insecurities, and trepidations. I’m a great guy, of this I am certain. You made a big mistake.

“There’s once in a lifetime, and there’s once in a while. And the difference between the two is about a million miles. Oh you might get lucky, while the moon is looking up. But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone. You can hold any boy that you like, fall in love when it’s easy at night. But you’ll wake up wondering why he ain’t ever something better. When you’re lost and you run out of road, find what I already know. But you won’t find this, no you won’t find this.”

fuck

I don’t believe in karma anymore. I also don’t believe in superstition. Today I rear ended someone and obviously, that is always the fault of the rear ender.

 

I am so SICK of being so nice to people and being the sugar plum fairy everyone “is supposed to be.” I am SO sick of never doing anything BAD to ANYONE because of fear or karma. All I do is nice shit for people and nothing bad and this is how life repays me. Unfuckingbelievavable. Yeah there were no injuries and no major damage, but I don’t care.
Call me fickle, I don’t give a shit. This was not supposed to happen. Then again the whole “everything happens for a reason” is also DEAD to me. If was jaded before then I don’t know what you can call me now. It seems like every single fucking month SOMETHING has to happen. Go ahead and insult me, “That’s just life you need to suck it up and stop being a little bitch.” Whatever. I feel like complete shit. This week was supposed to be amazing, and today I was having a good day after I got out of class and I was so excited for things. I was going to go shopping for gifts for my boyfriend and maybe just one for myself and now this. Now I can’t spend money on anything anymore. I have to pay a fine, and I don’t know. Everything just seems so fucking pointless. I’m just so disappointed and disillusioned right now. It sucks. It fucking sucks. And yeah, it could have been a lot worse…but it also couldn’t have happened at all. I fucking hate other drivers and I fucking hate trucks. I’m so sick of humanity and just everything that is in the world. Sick and tired of it. I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. Why do bad things happen to good people and not bad people? I’ve SELDOM heard of bad things happening to bad people. But you always hear the opposite. People who are good always get fucked over, people who are happy always die young, while the bad people and the un-happy ones live on. Insult to injury.

Also, tomorrow I’m telling my counselor that counseling isn’t doing anything for me. Her methods and assignments don’t help me. Every single week the thoughts of over-worrying come back no matter what I fucking do.

I need to go away to the Tibetan mountains for a long fucking time and not deal with people/life anymore.

11/26/2011

I’m always so down on myself. I don’t know why. I get depressed about random stuff. I feel like I’m always writing about depressing things…and that it should change to positive things. Unfortunately the depressing topics overshadow the good ones. I am appreciative of all the good things that I have in life. I really am…it could be so much worse for me…but it isn’t. I should write about the good things, right? I seem to thrive on the negativity. I honestly wish it was different. I’m not down 24/7, I’m not weeping and wallowing in pain all the time, I’m really not. I do smile, rarely, and I do laugh, often. I feel like I should enjoy life more…I always take everything so serious. I think that when I reach the end of my life, whenever that may be, I will probably regret not being happier.

Now that I’m doing (or starting to do) research for Grad School, I realize that I need guidance. I just hate the fact that everything is so stressful. Society has made everything so unbearable. We no longer have time to stop by the park and smell the flowers, and everything has been replaced by technology. It’s not bringing us together, it’s tearing us apart and isolating us more. I know I’ve said that many times, but I know it’s true. There is so much pressure to succeed…and yet, it’s so typical and ordinary. High school, college, grad school, average job, make money, die. There HAS to be more to life than that. HAS to be. I know there is…and I know that I have to find it. Everything is so fast paced, everyone promotes happiness, and god forbid you are the depressing one who expresses their thoughts in public or on facebook…people will immediately not like you and ostracize you. But in reality, everyone is depressed. Nobody is truly ever happy. Nobody will truly ever be 100% happy. I wonder when I’ll stop repeating myself, I feel like a broken record. I should laugh more, smile more, love more, LIVE MORE.

I think that it’s important to worry about things because I want to succeed…I want to make it. But at the same time, compulsive worrying is doing me in…slowly but surely.

I think it’s time I really turn things around. I have to. I’m slowly killing myself, and worrying is becoming a habit and some sort of sick addiction.

I’ll just end with this quote: “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.”

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this. I’ve been through hell and back for someone who is 22. I can do this.

A sad piano song

I’m troubled tonight. This feeling came out of nowhere…did it? The reason I am troubled is because I have another inner conflict. This inner conflict relates to family. See, I left 95% of my family back in South America when I moved here at 12 years old. It was hard at first, but now that I’ve been living here for 10 years come December and I’ve changed so much, it doesn’t bother me. But why do I feel this way? I guess I have a feeling of animosity towards my extended family. They stayed behind and I moved on. I came to a better land, to a better life…but little did I know that I would suffer incredibly.

I’m not really sure where this is going, but all I can say is that the feeling of frustration is there. It may not even make sense to ME, but I do feel something. I guess that this feeling comes out of the fact that the distance has forever changed how I see my family. Yes, I’ve been told numerous times that they support me and care about me and have asked about me multiple times, but is that really true? I suppose I would not be told so if it wasn’t. Yet…I feel that I am no longer part of my extended family. Maybe because I have ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, felt like an outcast. Never mind my sexuality, I feel that as though that does add “insult to injury”, it is not the main cause for my feelings of awkwardness.

Growing up, I was always bullied and tormented by older kids. I was always the weak, sissy one that cried for whatever reason. I endured a lot, and I put up with so much shit…it makes me angry to think about it. I’m sure that Karma is going to take care of every single person that did me wrong. But has my family done me wrong? I don’t personally think that they have. Maybe I have distanced myself from them because of my sexuality. I think that I have…but at the same time, I just feel so awkward interacting with them. This is mostly from my dad’s side of the family. That is where the majority, if not all, of the animosity lies. I am not sure why. Perhaps I have had more conflicts with them. Perhaps seeing that they have ALL moved on with their lives has deeply affected me. Boyfriends, girlfriends, engagements, marriage, children…And yes, I do realize that people do move on, and that eventually everyone finds their own way in life, but every time I heard someone was moving up a step in life and I was stuck way behind, I felt awful. At least this is how I felt. Every time I heard about an engagement or a pregnancy, I would feel sick. This is because I felt that I was going nowhere in life. I felt that I was stuck in the same step and not making progress. Sure, I’m still in college and I’m doing all the “right” things that someone my age should be doing…but I felt that there was something missing. That something was a relationship. I was the only person of age who didn’t have a significant other. Now that I do, that animosity should be gone…but I feel like it hasn’t. I feel like it’s still here, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it was a mistake to isolate myself from them…but then again I think that it was the right thing to do. With my coming out and everything…something that I had to keep private for at least 3 years before it all blew up in the open…it was difficult to stay in touch. I never visited, there were few to no phone calls, and the distance just put the nail on the coffin. We are living in two different continents after all. Life here is so different…so different.

Sadly, I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I don’t know where things went wrong…or do I? I feel like I’m not too much into the whole family thing as others are. My dad is the number one promoter of it…and sometimes I just get sick. I don’t think that family is the single most important thing in the world. I suppose that it varies from person to person. I think that yes, family is important, but it is not the single most important thing in the world. Families are not perfect, because nothing is perfect. Not everyone is going to always get along with everyone else. And sometimes, families split up. This is all tragic, but it happens. It’s how it is. What makes me angry is that my dad continues to fight and continues to advocate for family as a “scared” priority after all the nonsense we have been through, and after everything that has been said and done. I feel like my core family and I have just been forgotten. Oh well. Nobody knows what they have until it is gone. They cannot expect me to be close to them if they are not close with me. I feel as though my dad is always making the effort to contact them or to continue to establish something with them…but in all honesty, I think that that is dead. It was long ago and far away, and it is history. This is the sad reality that my dad must realize, but then again, I don’t think that he will. His heart will not allow him to believe it. I do believe. I feel that the family I left behind in Venezuela is not important anymore. Yes, it’s sad but true. Some family can get through anything, but some can’t. It also depends a lot on the type of person that one is. I just want to be happy without relying on anybody. I just want to be successful, have a few friends here and there, have my parents, my brother, and my husband (and I hope that my current boyfriend becomes that husband). Maybe a kid…or two. I don’t know. All I know that that my chapter of life in Venezuela is over, and it is over for good.

The person that I was in Venezuela is dead. I am the new person. Not to say that I am SOMEONE else, but I am beyond different. Life here has completely changed me. I have seen and heard some horrible things. I have met some demonic and disgusting people-I wouldn’t even consider them human if it were up to me. I wouldn’t even consider them people at all. But it is what it is. The USA has completely changed me. Society here has completely changed me. Or perhaps it’s the experiences that I’ve had with society and people that have changed me. Regardless, I am someone new. Although my morals have been challenged and at times have failed, I still have my charms, politeness, kindness, emotions, and manners. I suppose that that is the one thing that will never change about me. Everything else is gone. Maybe the new me does not like the people that I left behind. Maybe the new me just wouldn’t get along with them. Maybe the new me has recognized that things are different now, and that I am no longer part of the extended family that I shared 12 years of life with. Things happen, and I am not approaching this in a pessimistic manner, but I am approaching it in a manner that is correlational with my feelings. It’s like a piano song. A slow, elegant, piano song. But this is what the truth is. It’s how life has turned out to be. Some say that distance doesn’t matter, and that it makes the heart grow stronger, and that it may nourish a bond…but in this case, I feel that all of that is gone. At least for me. Yes, there may be times when we talk, and there may be extremely rare occurrences when I go visit down there (every other 4 to 5 years, not event), but other than that…it is done.

I suppose that that is the life that I have to live. It is what I have to accept. Life isn’t perfect, and it never will be. I am sorry that things turned out the way they did…but there’s nothing I can do about it.

11/17/2011

After hearing the news that Demi and Ashton are divorcing, I couldn’t help but to reflect on relationships. Why do people cheat? The whole context of being in a relationship is to make each other happy and be there for one another no matter what. If you’re no longer happy with someone, leave them before you deeply hurt them by cheating. I never understood the whole concept of cheating, nor why people do it. I also just love how if a man cheats, it’s ok, but if a woman does, she’s a total whore, slut, skank, and a total disgrace. It makes me so angry.

I once asked one of my cousins (who has cheated numerous times on numerous girlfriends) why he cheated, and he told me: Because you want to have your cake and eat it too.

Really? No, I don’t accept that. If you’re going to cheat on someone by sleeping or massively flirting with someone else, LEAVE THEM. Yes, I count massive flirting as cheating. I guess we all have our own definition and limitations when it comes to cheating. In relationships, you must draw a line that cannot be crossed. If it were to be crossed, the relationship would be over, no questions asked. Make yourself be respected.

Another aspect that bothers me is that Demi and Ashton were married for 6 years. I know they say that nothing lasts forever…but if you were with someone for that long, why would you cheat? I suppose that no matter whom I talk to in life, I will never, EVER, understand why people cheat. They say monogamy is dead…but I know for a fact that there are a few couples out there who have lasted a lifetime. They are proof that through work and loving dedication, you can make something last a LIFETIME.

I end by saying that I am still extremely surprised that life changes week by week. Every week there is something new…another day another drama.

More later (there’s always more).

11/15/11

Today is just a painful day. I feel so dejected. The weather isn’t helping, everything is dark, cold, dry, and gray. I have no idea why I can’t ever be 100% happy, but then again I don’t think I could ever be…and I don’t think that anyone could ever be 100% happy. Maybe there is no such thing.
School is actually going good…and my relationship is going good…and my life at home is going good…but the only thing that really bothers me is this job thing. I’m so depressed because of it…I can’t even think about it without feeling like I am drowning in a black sea. I need to slap myself…someone needs to slap me. I just can’t seem to snap out of it. Things are temporary…well, most of the things in life are anyways. But everything has a solution, doesn’t it? It has to. This is only a temporary problem. When I look back and think about all the things that I have been through…all the things that I have said about overcoming struggles and finding ways to do things…I mean I suppose that it gives me hope. Doesn’t it? I wonder too much…but I like balance in my life, and the work thing is not balanced correctly. It just makes me so angry. MY situation could be worse, but it isn’t. Some out there have it way worse. I know they do.

Sometimes I wish I could just write forever and never stop. I wonder what that would be like…constantly writing and writing and writing about everything. Never stopping. I think that I would like that…at least for a tad bit. Maybe not forever though…maybe just for a few days. I think I will write every day, I have to. This is calling my name, and my mind is calling for me to write. It is time to get back to it.

I just want everything to be ok…I just want everything to be ok. It was ok…but then the work thing happened. Karma is going to happen. It always does…sooner or later. I just have to stand back and watch it happen. OH dear god…please give me the strength to get through this. It hurts a lot…I can feel my mind going numb.

Sometimes I wish people could see this. Sometimes I wish I could just share my blog with the entire world. I would like that. It’s just that they would think I was crazy. Nobody would want to be my friend…nobody would want to talk to me. Ugh. Fucking fuck.